And Things Do Change Fast.

I did extremely well with the lower dose of Gemzar through the use of Hyperthermia.  Wonderful!

But I had to get a traditional dose of Gemzar just one week later.  Now, hold on.  I am positive that I vomited my toes up.  I am so weak and really pretty depressed after what this session of chemo has done to me.  The protocol is to get the Gemzar once a week for three weeks and then take a week off. At this point, we are not sure if I can take it two weeks on and two weeks off.  Maybe a can take a dose once a month and that at a reduced rate.

Additionally, I have had fluid drained from my abdomen 4 times since I have been here.  It is not that different than the protocol in the U.S.  Except for one old doctor that showed up whose training did not include any kind of numbing medication.  He could have had be bight down on a nail or something.  It took two nurses to hold me down.  We got the job done, but I hope that doctor understood what I thought of him in my southern English vernacular.

I am returning home with a very heathy liver and a very healthy lymph system.  It takes some time to see if the chemo is the right one for this cancer.  However, I remain unable to eat or drink anything.  This is a depressing state of affairs since Christmas is coming up and all of my favorite dishes will be served.

It has been suggested that I puree the food.  But I can not even get water through.  It will sit in my tummy for a short amount of time and then come right back up.

All I want for Christmas is for my cancer to go away!  There are so many around the world that are suffering far worse, but my reality for me is very difficult for me to deal with right now.

Keep Praying.

I Almost Lost My Marbles!

As you now know, I made it through the renewal of my lymphatic system and my immune system is in fighting shape.  The Extreme Hyperthermia comes with very few side effects.  The Doctors in Germany agreed on the same chemo as the doctors in the U.S.  This is important so that I can go between Germany & the U.S. for treatments without conflict.  We chose a bit of a strong dose of Gemzar that came with some pretty strong Nausea that lasted only one evening.  This is a far cry from the week/s or so of nausea and vomitting that I suffer from the traditional chemo infussions in the U.S.

Chemo and cancer has compromised my production of blood cells.  You know that it wrecked my white blood cell count for a while and that is how I ended up in Germany.  Well, now it is wrecking my red blood cell count.  This causes extreme exaustion and can also become very dangerous.  Transfussions of red blood cells are the best way to combat this in the short run.  I quickly became lethargic and was barely able to walk or sit up on my own.  So, no big deal...right?  Just a few units of blood and I will be back up and running.  NOT QUITE!

Tough little Cheryl had a panic attack that would not go away.  I could rationalize the necesity, safety, etc. of having the infussions, but something simply freaked me out about it.  So after I talked them into sedating me through the procedure and covering the blood with a towel, two units of blood later and I am feeling better.

I can watch open heart surgeries on t.v., I can watch needles go in and out of my veins and I can almost enjoy a root canal, but this...  I prayed for strength, handed it over to God and sent satan to where he belongs and I still needed medication to get me through this.

As you can see, I still desperately need your prayers, even for the little stuff.  Thank you!

Great Success?

I complete my second round of Extreme Hypothermia here in Germany.  I am sorry to say that it took a week to fix what the doctors in America screwed up between treatments.  They managed to shut down my lymphatic system which caused extreme swelling all over my body.  If you have been reading my blog you will know that extreme pain put me in the hospital.  All though the doctors did what they were trained to do...pump pain killers and antibiotics in me...it put me on death's door.  The American docs discussed that I have from 2 months to 6 months to live and at some point told my family that I had only days left.  They sent me home with nutrition in a bag that I would have to feed myself through a port, every day.

Of course, I had resigned myself to settle down and let God take me.  After one hell of a faith and fight lecture from daughter, we re-booked the flight tickets to Germany that we had cancelled and we made it back to Germany only about 5 days later than originally planned.  After about a day of treatment, I felt much better.  After a few days of treatment the lymphatic drainage treatment started working.  After a few more days I was ready for the big guns, again.  Based on how I felt a week ago (throwing up blood, etc.) I am experiencing a MIRACLE.

The doctors were amazed that I did not even have to have any anethesia.  I stripped my clothes off and hopped up on that machine.  About 13 hours later I feel like a new person.

Prognosis from previous treatment to now....See Next Post!

Oh! How That Bucket List changes!

Make a list, now, of the things that you would want to do before you die.  Do not consider money or any other barriers in your life.  Go ahead, just start writing.  Go back to that list every year and assess it then start all over with a new list each year.  Over the years you will be surprised at the things that you can check off of that list as having completed in some way.  At some point, you will start to see real growth in who you are and your outlook on what is important in life.

I started doing this years ago.  I have missed a few years here and there, but I still go back to that list at some point.  My bucket list is at a very interesting cross-road, as you can imagine.  The most important observation is how close to God I have become and how God is a much bigger part of this bucket list every year.

May I share some of this list with you?

1. Write a book (it does not have to be a novel, but a legacy of some sort)
2. Travel more (oh! how I would love to go on a mission trip and see the look on people's faces when they understand what God's Grace means)
3. Cook more (Ya'll come on over after church for a bite to eat and a card game - socialize more with my brothers & sisters in Christ)

You can steal my ideas for your bucket list.  Many of the items on the list are outrageous stuff that one would never think could happen in my life time, but I don't worry about that.  I just move forward with my hopes and dreams.

Keep dreaming and praying...and for goodness sakes, WRITE!

"You Are One Tough Lady!"

I got this comment from the most intimidating German, Female doctor here at Frachclinic after she looked at sonograms & CT scans that have been produced over the last year.  The more test that are run in the U.S. and in Germany, the more I get that comment.  They know the true severity of my cancer, the pain that it causes and the terrible side effects.  I take this opportunity to explain how Jesus Christ suffered a heck of a lot more than this.

As feeding tubes remain in and the tummy & lungs continue to be drained every few days...I remain strong as an example of a child of God...I remain strong for an even stronger daughter who is always at my side...I remain strong for little cousins that are looking up to me...I remain strong for my twin sister that is left to pick up some of the pieces of my life, not to mention trying to be a surrogate mother to my daughter...I remain strong for all that have carried a burden.  I am not a victim in anyway and refuse to be labled that way.

Again, I say that God has blessed me by choosing me to carry this.  This particular cancer is a furious one and is proving to be one heck of a ride.

Financial Burden!

These trips to Germany are proving to be very expensive, but I knew that going in.  I just thought that the vague wording from the insurance company would help out a little more.  So far, I have not received a receipt that is usable for them and at that they will only pay 60% of any treatment that they would normally pay for in the states.  Most of the treatments that I am getting are alternative by U.S. standards.

The first visit cost over $25,000 U.S. dollars and this visit will be about the same.

I am posting this because some of you have asked.

A precious friend has set up a way that you can help.  Go to the St. John's County Pink Heals website.  You will find a link there.  They also have an address that you can mail a check to, that will make the donation completely tax refundable.  Or you can pay by credit card right there on the website.  To the best of my knowledge, I can't see who has donated and 100% of the donations go toward my medical bills.  At a later date, St. John's County Pink Heals will host a fund raiser to collect the cost of doing this.  On the website, you will see other St. John's County residents that are also fund raising for their cancer treatments.

www.sjcpinkheals.com

Thank you for your continued prayers!

First Snow!

I am such a Florida Girl!!!  I have only been in snow a few times for the odd snow ski trip...but that was years ago.  We took a direct flight from Orlando to Frankfurt and had a driver from the clinic waiting for us.  This was a good thing, as I was a sick puppy when I left the U.S.

The Autobahn was fairly clear and fast.  Now, that is an amazing ride if are with daring drivers.  WooHoo!  On the very fast ride to the clinic we saw areas that had been blanketed with snow just days before.  The white trees and landscaping was so beautiful.  Since, I have been house bound by treatments, I have not ventured out to experience the freezing cold.

The nurses were standing at the door with blood pressure cuff and thermometer to get me started, even before I have registered as a patient.  But they all already know me and were excited to see how I am doing.

I do not know how long I will be here, as we have not purchased a return flight ticket.

What To Post and What Not To Post!

I am not big on posting my life when I am out of town, unless Spud is highly armed and dangerous.  Since he has his partners in crime staying with him, I will post.

After listening to a host of doctors give me little hope, my daughter and I decided to salvage our trip to Germany.  They kept telling us that there is still a lot that they can try.  Everything that the local docs wanted to do was only palliative.  Even a chemo that they wanted to try, was not expected to help much, but may have reduced some of the cancer burden.  A few ticket changes and we are in Germany only a few days later than originally planned.

Within 12 hours of being here, I had local Hyperthermia to the small bowels and about 5 I.V. infusions to help my liver, lymph nodes and immune system.  I immediately felt much better.  After  two nights here, I have had a lot of treatments.

Today, I expect my second lymph drainage that includes lymphatic massage and the wrapping of my little swollen legs.  This will go on for several days and has already improved my ability to move and dress myself.  I will get blood transfusions today due to a low hemoglobin count.  I will get the additional multiple infusions and local hyperthermia that I get everyday.

Due to the tumor burdened small bowel blockage, I am still on a liquid diet.  There are times I venture out and try some soft food that ultimately ends in a severe tummy ache.

As the internet permits, I will keep you posted...you know, since Spud and the armed guards are in charge.

Keep praying.

Challenging Week!

I have been through the ringer this past week or so.  Holy Cow!  I don't know where to begin.  I have had my abdomen drained three times, vomited a fair a amount of blood, suffered a significant tumor burdened blockage that took me completely off of anything by mouth for days.

It is pitiful when the ER and the rest of the hospital knows me by name.  Yes!  this has included a few hospital stays and tons of tests.  I have had so much fun with these dedicated caregivers....WOW! WOW! WOW!  Pray for them.

I get a port placed today.  It is a bit shocking that I have been fighting cancer for two years and everything has been done through my little bitty veins.  This port is a direct line into a major artery that is placed under a muscle in my chest.  No more needle sticks!!! yeah!  But to be honest, the needle really does not bother me at all, it is just that my veins are done helping me out here.

My daughter, twin sister and I have spent some teary late nights at the hospital trying to say everything to each other that we think needs to be said.  What a blessing this is.  Many people don't get that chance and then spend years wishing they would have had that last conversation.

What I haven't explained yet is that the doctors have given me 2 - 6 months to live.  But certainly less than a year.

I am not believing a word of it.  I have many more treatments in Germany to go and God still has some really big plans for me.  Although, I am excited beyond words to go see my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ....I simply have got some work to do that only I can do.

Keep praying like crazy in any way that the Holy Spirit leads you!

After The Fact!

You all don't get to hear what is going on until it is all over with.  On Thursday, I had another paracinticis.  I ended up in the Emergency Room with extreme pain, again.  I was screaming and throwing up blood...thick blood.  We may have figured out that the morphine is killing my little stomach.  I know you all will want to make suggestions and believe me I am doing it.  There is nothing like a big glass of buttermilk to soothe an achey tummy...and the 1/2 dozen other things I am taking, just for the stomach.

Paliative Care!

So, remember when I called a meeting with Hospice?  It kind of sobered all of us up.  It got real for me at that point.  Hospice does provide paliative care, but not quiet to the level of this doctor.  I wish I would have found her a year ago.  She spent an hour interviewing me and sorting out all of the medicine, symptoms and side-effects that I have been dealing with.  She prescribe some new medicines to help with my tummy.  I had gotten to the point that I could not eat much more than a few tablespoons of food at a time and everytime I took my pills they wanted to come back up.

Now, she come to see me once a week to determine what is working, or not, and will make some adjustments to my prescriptions.

Oncologists treat the cancer and they try to treat the pain and other side-effects, but they really only care about the cancer.  The pulmonologist only treats my lungs and makes sure I am getting the oxygen that I need.  This doctor looks at the entire body and suggests solutions for everything that is going on.

I look forward to more comfortable days ahead.  God is so Good!

What's The Good Word?

I am sorry that I have not blogged since my return to Germany.  I have been catching up on the 3 weeks of my life that I missed, but mostly recovering from the long trip.

Other than being tired, I don't feel much different.  Pain is still increasing.  I personally feel like the cancer is not growing since the treatment.  The doctors in Germany told me that I probably would not be able to tell if it is working for a few months.  I got the big Hyperthermia treatment on October 1st. There was what I thought to be an unbilical hernia coming out of my belly button.  But the doctors in Germany said that it was a tumor.  It is a lot smaller...that's encouragaing.  I also have a knot on the left side of my neck, about the size of a small grape, that has not changed in size.  So I kind of judge the growth of the cancer by those two things.

There is a lot going on inside of my belly.  That is where all of the pain is.  Monday afternoon, I could no longer take the pressure and pain and had 2.2 liters of fluid drained off of my abdomen.  That felt so much better.

Monday night I could not get the pain under control and I did not want to over medicate with Morphine, etc...  So my daughter took me to the ER.  I did not want to do this because I knew they would want to admit me...and they did.  They ran a few tests and scans and could not find the sorce of the pain other than cancer.  So they increased my morphine and a few other things and sent me home.

Cutting The Cord!

We leave here tomorrow and return home with chemo pills, anti-estrogen pills (tumors where estrogen senstive), an adiquate amount of morphine, Immune system shots (that I have to give to myself in my belly...eweeee!), sublingual drops, and a handful of other meds and vitamins.  I hope that I can keep it all straight.  I have gotten used to the nurses doing that for me.

I am going to miss the other inmates.  We have had a great time sharing our stories and giving each other advice.  Our prayer sessions have continued.  I can't tell you how exciting that has been for me.

I have instructions to rest and to not over do it.  As usual, the doctors are surpirsed how well I bounce around inspite of the severity of my cancer.  I keep telling them that as long as I am not in pain, I can do anything.

That being said, I am looking forward to going back to the office and meeting with students.  Part of what we have been doing in Germany is helping my white blood cell count...done!  As long as my blood cell counts are good, then catching a little cold should not kill me.  I don't have to avoid crowds and all that stuff.

I will return here in two months for a two week stay and another round of chemo with extreme whole body hyperthermia.  I should really be able to see the difference by that point.

I wish I would have started with this treatment.  I would have saved myself a lot of illness.

Thank you for continuing to lift me up to The Lord!  He is answering your prayers. Hallelujiah!

Art Therapy!

Part of my therapy here in Germany is Art Therapy.  I love art!  This was always my favorite class in school.  Over the years, I have painted a few paintings.  I am my own biggest critic and I do not hang my art on the walls.  I have actually donated some of it to a thrift store.

So, here in this cancer clinic we have pre-planned crafts or we can dig arount in the art room and find supplies to do our own thing.  I always participate in the planned craft and then scurry off to find something to paint.  It feels so good to dip a paint brush into colors and blend them. When a paint brush will not do, I have my fingers all in it.

The idea is to help us get our minds off of treatment for a while and to use a different part of our brain.  Some people find their creativity and go off in life to create beautiful work.  My goal is to open that part of my brain, again, and see what I can do.  Good or bad it will be fun.

Why Am I Here?

Until tonight I thought I was here to heal my cancer.  But tonight may have revealed to me that I am here for something else.

As I started to settle in for the night, 8pm, I heard the faintest sound.  Something did not seem right.  I was not completely sure that it was not someone's television.  Nosey me started to explore.  And I found my friend Joque screaming.  Her husband had just, moments before, passed away.

As I sat there with one arm around Joque and one arm around her deceased husband, Steve, I searched my heart and soul for the words to help.  All I knew was to start praising God and to lead Joque in that direction as well.

I met Joque and Steve my first day here.  They were here from Nigeria.  Steven was an attorney there and they have four school aged children.  I could tell that Steve was pretty sick and had learned over the last few days that he was on a little more morphine than I am on.  I have spent several hours over the last few weeks cheering them up and helping them see God's grace in all of this.  I was happy to know that they were very strong christians.

So, tonight, I knew that Joque would want me to stay with her.  What I did not know until a few minutes ago is that Joque is a pastor of a church in Nigeria.  I could not believe it.  Why had she not told me this and why have I been counseling her?  Either way, I was honored to be there to help her through the worst moments of her life.

My heart breaks for my new friend and I sure hope that I said the right words to help.

Continued Treatments!

I have been asked for more details about my treatments.  So here it goes:

I start everyday with Local Hyperthermia.  This is a machine that heats up a very specific part of your body.  We have been alternating between my liver and my lower abdomen.  This machine does not feel hot to the touch as it rests on my body, but my head always starts sweating a lot.  I do this for an hour for 6 days per week.

While I am tied down to that machine they start my infussions.  I get I.V. bags of medicine for my lymph system, body cleanses, vitamin Bs, vitamin C and the sort.  I do this every day and sometimes I am dragging the I.V. pole around with me, from treatment to treatment.  

After that, they slide a big ring around my body...it is a bit like an open MRI machine, but smaller.  This is the Magnetic Field Therapy.  They turn it on and I sit in that for about 20 minutes for 6 days a week.

The nurses that attend to the therapies, above, are all German.  Some understand me when I am talking to them and others don't.  I can tell you not to mess up your I.V. or you will get into trouble.  And you had better be on time for your therapy or they will hunt you down.  

I love love love the 3 days a week that I get reflexology (a bit like a massage for my feet) and the upper body massage.  I always fall asleep.  A beautiful Phillipean girl named Rochelle do these treatments.  She speaks excellent German and hates the winters here.  

I have physio therapy three times a week.  I have a trainer that directs me working out on weights.  This is a pitiful attmept to strengthen some muscles.  I like my German therapist.  He is quite young and was raised in Koln.  

I get ozone treatments twice a week.  I think that I explained this in an earlier post.  

I get shots in the belly a few time each week.  I take a hand full of pills 3 times each day.  This includes my chemo pill every morning.  I have sublingual drops that I have to do once each week.  I have given up asking what each pill is.  It is usually something in German that I have google.

Gifts Go With You!

My passion for leadership is with me in Germany.  After two weeks of getting to know the other inmates, I decided that we were in need of a prayer meeting.  I invited my new friends to the chapel.  So I went into the chapel early to see what bibles they have.  They had a few copies of the Quran, many books on different religions and one New Age Bible on the New Testament that was not exactly correct (in my opinion).  So there would not be any bible verses to look up...the internet was down.  That's o.k. I will pull from memory.

Our meeting was hugely successful, I had 4 other people attend.  I started with a silent pray/confession of sins.  We then went around the circle and prayed out loud.  And finally we went around the circle and talked about a blessing or miracle that we each had experienced or discovered in our battle with cancer.  It was fun to hear people from other countries and the way they pray and worship God.  (we were all christians)

Everyone left my little prayer session asking if we could do this every day.  Every one agreed that they felt more positive, blessed and supported when they left the room.

Charades!

As we start our third week at this clinic in rural Germany, I continue to be amused at my daughter's ability to make new friends and to talk to anyone.  It does not matter if they speak English, she still tries.  I see a lot of hand and body movements much like a game of charades.

Here is a good example.  I had about a two hour break between treatments the other day and we decided to go for a walk.  In about a block or two of walking we were in a large field that was bordered by a row or two of apple trees.  There were two old men and an old woman picking apples.  Kristin and I walked over to them and asked if we could pay them to let us pick an apple.  They spoke almost no english, but they understood when we said, "America".  After a game of charades we figured out that they had flown on a big plane to Chicago and then on to Fort Wayne, Indiana to see their children.  They now know that this is our first trip to Germany and that we have orange trees.

I have another humorous observation.  When someone does not understand my daughter I hear her speaking English with some sort of accent.  It is as if they will understand her better if she talks like her native language is not English.  I laughed so hard when I first heard this.  She did not even realize what she was doing, but when I pointed it out to her she got a big laugh out of it too.

Holy Cow! The Holy Spirit!

I am trying so hard to listen to God for guidance.  I know that as a Christian I should strive to live the 10 commandments, confess my sins, walk as Christ walked, keep short accounts with God, be in God's Word (the bible) every day, forgive others who have hurt me, etc...  I am so excited when God reveals something new to me.

I had been praying and asking God to let me know where my mistakes are in this current battle.  About 30 minutes later an acquantance here walked up and handed me the book "Healed of Cancer" by Dodie Osteen.  This book is full of prayers and scriptures that she used and continues to use to realize her miraculous cure.  She was given two weeks to live.  She is still here over 30 years later with no medical treatment.  Although, she does not suggest denying treatment if it is available, she does give a lot of insight into her spiritual life.

The thing that struck me is that I thought that God's WILL for me would be to let me live or to take me home with him.  But, NO!  His WILL is for me to live a long abundant life on this earth.  How to do that is what is being revealed to me, now, by the Holy Spirit.

The second thing that struck me is that while it is o.k. for me to depend on other people's prayers and faith...it is really all about my relationship with Christ that is healing me.  There is no question that God hears and answers all of your prayers for me, but he wants me to come to the reality that I should be leaning on him and not you and your prayers.  (We still must pray for each other)

As you read this you may tell yourself, "well yes, Cheryl, where has your head been?"  Well, I thought my relationship with God was where it needed to be.  It is really like peeling away the layers of an onion.  When you master one part another layer is revealed for you to master.  There is never an end to the complexity and richness of God's love for us.

A Little Fresh Air!

Since I am not well enough to travel around Germany, I have to be happy with a short waddle out and about Bad Salzhauzen.  I did make it out to Frankfurt this past weekend, but to the dismay of my doctors.  They spoke with Kristin and told her not to push me so much.  "But I wanted to go," i said with my bottom lip out.

I am waddling as my stomach is increasing in size.  At first, I thought it was due to the long air travel here and that it would go down in a few days.  The doctors did a sonogram and saw multiple pockets of fluid and air with no real way to remove it.  They would have to stick me in dozens of different places to get it out of there.

More about my waddlings about this beautiful little country town, later, as I have been summoned to local hyperthermia and multiple infussions.

Tata for now!

Are You Feeling Any Better?

Since I have been here just over a week the new comers are asking me how it is going.

My mind & spirit is healthy and happy.  My poor little body is exhausted and in more pain than ever. My morphine was doubled yesterday and so were the number of other pills I take.  The doctors want me to take more time resting.  They understand the severity of my type of cancer.  I have been given no hope or dreams of success.  But God answers my prayers for happiness and quality time with my daughter.

We are getting to have the reputation of being the fun patients amoung the doctors and nurses.  There is always something funny to laugh about especially when Kristin is vidoeing everthing I am doing and getting done.  I am happy that my experience is being documented, but it is being done at the cost of any privacy at all.  Well, if it helps others...then O.K.!

On top of all of the treatments I can not believe they are making me lift some weights.  I thought that was for the healthy people.  But since they also consider me a healthy patient with cancer they are putting me through the paces.

Today, a new treatment was added.  They start an I.V. and remove some of my blood, add ozone, mix it all around and return it to my veins.  It is a good thing that I am not scared of the sight of blood.

New Campers!

Some of the precious people that I met last week had been here for a while and have gone home.  They all took a part in showing me the ropes and telling me their cancer stories.  I have found that most of us have deep christian roots...except for the patients from the Middle East whom all seem to be Muslem.

This week we are meeting new families getting the tour and settling in for their two to three week stay.  I am trying to pass on the helpful hints that were passed to me on my first few days.  There are things like: the secret to making the washer and dryer work right; how to get ice cream brought out of the kitchen; never to ask the cafeteria for anything after closing time; or how to get a ride into Nidda for free.

All of this goes on between our rigorous days of treatments.  Each new person/family has a story of someone they know from home that have had successful experiences here.

We all remain hopeful and continue to encourage each other.

Slang!

I have realized that I use a lot of slang in my language.  There are patients & families from all over the world at this clinic.  Most of them know some English.  Working with international students at the University has made me realize that I need to speak slowly to people that are not fluent in English.  I can manage that, but the other day I told someone that my daughter had a "ball".  After I saw the look on their face I realized what I had done.  I told them that meant that she had a "great time".  My daughter in not as aware and I find myself stepping in to correct what she is trying to communitcate.  She is catching on and adjusting language, but not as much as she needs to.

"Ya'll" is another coloquial slang word that we use a lot.  That causes people to wrinkle their foreheads.  I end up explaining that one too.

There are other cultural differences that I am having fun taking note of.  I will try to update you as I think of them.

I think I have made the best friends with a couple from Nigeria and a few groups from Australia.  So far I have met couples from the U.S. from Missouri and New York.

God is definately preparing me for something great.  This experience is nothing less than Grace.

Happy Birthday To Us!

The word got around that it was my Birthday on Friday.  Everyone in my office knows how that happened, because every year I tell absolutely everyone I see that it is my birthday.  I also usually wear a tiara.  I did not have my tiara with me, but I made sure that everyone knew that it was my day.  Of course, the clinic gave me a beautiful little bouquet of pink flowers.  I also had a precious friend send me a huge bouquet of flowers.  Although, there was no celebration, cake or presents it was still very special to be at a place like this getting a chance at a remission that the U.S. could not give me.

The sad part is that I have never been so far away from my twin sister on our birthday.  But we know that because of this trip and many others after this, I will have a great birthday next year with her.  We are getting very home sick for each other.  We stay intouch every day, but getting to hug each other is really what we need.  I think I am going to hug her for 30 solid minutes when I get home.

I am pretty sure that I survived a lonely birthday because my daughter is with me.  If she can't cheer you up then no one can.  She is amazing.  She found a shop and bought me a card that says something in German that we do not understand.  It probably says Happy Anniversary, but who cares.  It is special anyway.  She also bought me a bag of my favorite candy...Haribo Gold Gummy Bears.  They are very different flavors,  but still so good.  I will definately bring some home.

I wish you all were here with me.

Our God is an awesome God!

They Pulled Out The Big Guns Today!

I got what I was asking for.  I got Whole Body Hyperthermia today.  This is the reason why I came here and to this specific doctor.  Many people that are here will not get this treatment for a while, as their system is not ready for it, yet.

Let me explain:

I was prepped last night by withholding all food and liquid after mid-night.  I had infussions of some kind of lymphatic immune boost and cleanse.  Then I had a large infussion of saline.  This morning I was awaken early for an enema and more infussions.  I then got a phone call to go to the hyperthermia room.  I was told to get naked and crawl up on the mesh table.  Then I was outfitted with every kind of probe and monitor that you could imagine.  I awoke about 3 - 4 hours later soaking wet with sweat.

My body temp was increased to 107 degrees for over 2 hours while getting a low dose infussion of chemo.  The trick is keeping my brain cool.  Letting the brain heat up that much is deadly.

This procedure makes the chemo many, many times more effective.  This treatment is being tested at places like MD Anderson with great success, but is not even close to being ready in the U.S.  It is my understanding that my doctor here has been going to the U.S. to teach this technique.

But I thought that I could not have chemo????  Well, surprise! my blood counts were fabulous (except the cancer marker that has tripled).  I still have a lot of treatments over the next few weeks, but no more Hyperthermia for two months.  I will go home with a pill format of low dose chemo.

I am still in recovery after many hours and I am in & out of it.  They were surprised to walk in and see me sitting up working on the computer.  I am still getting infussions of some sort,  I am just too tired to ask what it is. I might be surprised what I wrote this when I come back and read this when I have my senses.  But I had to write this as I have many family and friends that are on pins and needles.

Heather, your precious mother paved the way for me.  I will always be grateful to her.

Let the cancer killing begin.!!!!!

This Amazing Place!

Everyday since Sunday has been crammed with treatments and therapies of all kinds.  I have had local hyperthermia everyday, I.V. infussions, Magnetic Field Therapy, foot massage, back massage, physiotherapy, ozone infussion, oxygen therapy and more.  I am wore out from being poked and prodded.  

The food here is unbelievably fresh and organic.  I kinda cleaned myslef out juicing.  It is so nice to walk into the dining room and there are bowls of fruits and veggies all prepared and ready to just drop in the juicer.   I am surprised at some of the food that they let us eat.  Although there is little sugar, there is still beautiful pastries and breads.  In the afternoon they put out wonderful fresh cakes.  

The town is tiny and cute as a button.  There are many, many miles of hiking and biking trails with almost a dozen ancient looking faucets with spring water free flowing out of them.  It is encouraged to drink this mineral water with "healing properties", but you have to get past the taste of some of them.  People flock here on the weekends to take advantage of the beautiful scenery to get there exercise.  The average age here must be 70-years old.  I have been too busy to get out much, but I do try to take a little walk later in the day when treatment is finished.  Just breathing the cool crisp air seems a bit healing.  

Everyone is so very nice here.  The patients are from all over the world, but I primarily see folks from Australia & Omon.  I understand that Omon pays for their citizen's treatments and Australia simply has a bad medical system.  Everyone else here is like me, on their last leg.  

I am feeling so blessed to be here.  Thank you so very much for your continued support, love & prayers.

The Trip Here!

We made it all the way to Germany.  The trip to Miami was uneventful except for my Daughter's constant warnings to the  golfers that she was sitting with that she may vomit.  What a relief that she had no problems.  We quickly shuffled to our next gate to board the plane for the 9 to 10 hour trip to Frankfurt.  This long trip was a different story for my daughter and her little weak stomach.  Does it sound terrible that I was glad that we were not sitting together?

The only glitch was with the driver that picked us up at the airport.  He was about two hours late for a 6:15 am arrival and I was struggling to make it by this point.  After several phone calls to the "klinik" and a second driver was dispatched we were on our way.  I must say that a woman that works for the klinik must have really chewed him out or at least the sound of German being yelled at this man sounded like he was getting a tongue lashing.

The folks at the klinik made comments about the amount of luggage we brought with us.  We only packed about  7 days worth of clothes for a 3 week trip.  I thought we had done pretty good on the packing.  We must be higher maintenance than German women.

Once we were settled in our hospital room we met with a doctor and the treatments began.  I had an i.v. line place and bottles of L-carnitin, vitamin C and vitamin Bs infused.  I was then released to explore the grounds and nearby springs.

I am exhausted.

What Is This Top Secret Alternative Treatment?

You all may have heard that Suzanne Summers, Ronald Reagan & George Hamilton have all been to Germany for cancer treatment.  This is pretty much what they did:

Whole Body Hyperthermia: (weekly) This where they heat your body up to 107F.  The heat kills the cancer, but if you don't do it right it can kill you.  So, I have chosen the top doctor in the world for this type of treatment.  He has been in the U.S. multiple times teaching other doctors about this treatment.

Local Hyperthermia:  (daily) This is a very localized heat treatment on a specific area such as the liver.  This does not heat the body up near as much.

Ozone & OxygenTherapy: Cancer cells die when exposed to oxygen.  This can be done in a few different ways.  They can remove the blood and add oxygen as they put it back in or they can infuse the blood with ozone as it circulates around the body.  (my simplistic way of describing it.)

MistleToe Infusion: This is one of the most widely used therapies in Europe for treating cancer.  The extract is injected under the skin or in a vein.  Mistletoe extract boosts the immune system, helps with the side effects of chemo, but most importantly kills cancer.

Vitamin C Infusion:  There is a long list of the benefits of this type of therapy.  It is becoming a more common practice in the U.S. for many different types of health problems.

Vitamin B17 infusion: Also known as Laetril (made from Apricot seeds) is used as a complimentary cancer treatment.  This widely used treatment has seen success with the right diet and at a high enough dose.

Lymph Drainage, acupuncture, special diets & juicing are all part of the treatment.  There are many other treatments that like to use to help your immune system fight the cancer.  Dr. Herzog will then throw in a specially mixed low dose chemo cocktail and the he and a local chemist formulates.

The only issue is that health insurance will not pay for these alternative treatments.  One trip to the hospital for three weeks is about $30,000.  I will need multiple trips over to Germany.  Please pray that I find a way to pay for such amazing care.  

T - Minus 1.5 Days!

Since the best doctors in the U.S. don't have much for me in the way of cancer treatment, I asked them if they know of any alternatives.  The oncologist told me that they are taught in medical school to operate in a very specific box and they do not venture outside of that box.  So...I was on my own...or so I thought.

When we got home that night I was still in shock, but my daughter got on the internet and started researching articles on alternative treatments.  She bought a book about the best alternative cancer treatments in the world.  That book narrowed her search to Germany and many treatments that different folks have brought to our attention over the years.  She decided on three of the top hospitals and started emailing the doctors.  The doctors responded to her and she made the decision based on how they treated her, their efficiency and if what they told her made since based on her research.

At the same time I was praying for guidance.  I got amazing guidance when I contacted a friend that took her mother to Germany for nearly the same cancer that I have.  She stated that if she ever got cancer she would go directly to Germany.  They told her that the chemo we use in the U.S. is old stuff that they used 10 years ago.  The most amazing part is that the hospital that thy went to is exactly the same one that my daughter had decided on.

So here we go.  My daughter jumps on-line buys plane tickets and makes all of the arrangements.  I was dealing with increased pain and other problems that comes along with hundreds cancer implants within my abdomen and really could not make a lot of decisions.

When did my little girl become a strong beautiful woman?  When did she become so serious about reading and research that is not part of Facebook?  I can not be more proud of this daughter of mine.

I must say that taking a Study Abroad at UNF has changed her life.

For Whom Do I Fight?

As I pack for the next leg of this journey many thoughts are going through my mind.  When I found out that I had cancer two years ago I knew that I had to fight for ME.  Then when the cancer returned so suddenly I figured it was just my time to go.  But my beautiful daughter threw her arms around me and begged me to fight because of HER.  She was my saving grace at that point.  She wants me to be a huge part of her life. Then my niece kept me going by cheering me on and saying, "Aunt Cheryl, you can do this."  This was early this year when I trully did not think that I was going to make it.  I was on oxygen and in a wheel chair.  It took a lot of support to keep me going.

And all the while, you all are out there praying and praying and praying.  I am positive that I have over 10,000 people praying for me.  Now, I realize that I am doing this for all of you, too.  I want every one of your prayers to be worth your time.  I want you to see God's Amazing grace in your face.  I want you to see miracles the way I do.

I am going to Germany for alternative cancer treatment and I am fighting for ME, My daughter and niece and I am fighting for YOU.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving one more wonderful reason to keep my head up. (by the way, I have no idea why my iPad is putting a line under all of this.  I don't have the engery to care.)

Perfect Timing!

Although, 95% of the time I am o.k. with where I am with this darn cancer...I still have moments that I feel pretty lost.  I was walking around the house a few days ago, just praying and looking for direction and dissernment, when a friend called.  She snatched be back on track.  She told me to stop reading the negative stuff on the internet and to get away from negative people.  Althought, I am so pragmatic that I sometimes let that creep into negativity.  That negativity is from Satan.

I am over here seriously trying to cycle Grace.  Whatever happens, happens...  It will not be because I did not go to the right doctor or because I did not stay on a specific diet.  These judgmental people need to take a walk.

Anyway, I found it amazing that at the moment that the phone rang, I really needed to hear that precious voice on the other end.  She coached me on how to focus on God by giving me a wonderful link to an online pastor that has dealt with terminal cancer.  I have another tool in my tool-box to use when I need it.

I may have derailed for a few minutes, but I am chugging along and trying so hard to choose my next treatment.

Caught Red Handed!

I caught my beautiful flower fairy at it again.  This is about the 5th time she has brightened up the front of my house with flowers.  And I am not talking about a few flowers.  She brings a trunk full of flowers.

I love flowers in my front flower beds and around my mail box.  I have always tried to keep it up.  But since I have been sick, I just don't have much energy to do it.

This beautiful lady may or may not know how much I love her this.  It really touches my heart and I go out to look at them every day.  Talk about God's Grace.  Wow!

Video Memories!

One of my long-time friends lost her battle to ovarian cancer about 5 years ago.  Her daughter was by her side, almost exactly the way my daughter is by mine.  She stated that the one thing she misses is her mother's voice.  She is in fear that she is forgetting what she sounded like.  So, I am working on doing something to remedy that for my daughter.

I started writing her letters and everyone keeps suggesting that some of it be in videos.  I have done my first two videos and I am just rambling.  The last thing I want to do is to start crying on the video.  As I am making the video it runs through my mind that my daughter will see this after I am gone.  It is hard to keep a stiff upper lip when you are cycling those kinds of thoughts.

I want these videos to be a happy recount of many things we have done over the past 21 years or so.  Things like the time I hurt my back jumping on the bed with her and when I hurt my back slip n' sliding in the yard.  I had put too much soap on it and went right off the end of the plastic.  The grass ripped my bikini off and I had to run into the house naked.  Seriously, this stuff happens to us.  And I am going to try to make a video memory of as much as I can.

This is getting fun.  Can you imagine the blessing this will be for her one day.

Where To Go? What To Do?

My daughter has been spending a few very desperate days sorting out different kinds of treatments and why Europe's treatments are so much better than in U.S.  She really is my hero.  I am mentally and emotionally overwhelmed & exhausted and, thus, not much help.  Clinics in Germany seem to be my best option.  I am on my knees asking God for guidance.

God speaks to us in many ways.  We just have to learn to be still and listen.  I am a type-A personality and it is a struggle for me to listen.  This cancer has been a lesson in slowing down.

As we discuss different options it appears that mental health and life without fear or grief is very important.  If we are to trust in God then we have to drop these kinds of issues from our life.  I find it fascinating that even cancer clinics in Europe understand this, but likely for healing and not for a deeper relationship with our Lord & Savior.

I am a bit anxious to travel that far as I simply don't feel well.  One day at the office puts me in bed most of the next day.  A quick flight to Houston to MD Anderson wears me out.  I rest easier because my Angel will be by my side.

Please pray for my daughter's strength as she watches me go through this.

The Value of a Friendship

I have spent most of my life wrapped up in my family and extended family.  I went back to college in my 30's to finish my bachelor's degree and then decided to get a master's degree.  I then spent my 40's building my career.  All the while my family and especially my daughter have been my friends.  I have never fostered too many long term friendships, because I just did not have time.

I regret that I did not find a way to fit many of you into my life.  As I struggle these last two years you have reached out.  It does not matter if we have been close or not.  You all understand that life happens and gets in the way...we just pick up where we left off.

Thank God for Facebook.  I have been able to catch up with so many people that I had lost touch with for over 30 years.  There are still many folks that I would like to find.  I want to know if they have children of their own, if they have a job that they love and if they have found the love of their lives.

The most amazing part of the last few years are the new friends that I have made.  In most cases we share the burden of cancer and we lean on each other for encouragement.  I especially cherish the friends that are close to God.  We seem to understand each other's need to walk in faith as we face our daily challenges.

In any case, I gain strength from what each of you provide in prayer, in a quick message of support or even in a "like" to one of my posts on Facebook.

The End of the Beginning or the Beginning of the End?

The news that my little body cannot handle any more chemo has come sooner than I had anticipated.  I know the doctor warned me last time and I have tried to process it, but the time is, now!

As I sat there numb about the fact that the only treatment the medical community could offer is gone, my daughter chattered about the possibilities that lie ahead.

My first thoughts were, FEAR.  I did not know exactly where to go from here.  Is God telling me that it is almost over or is he telling me to trust him instead of doctors?  I do know that the fear is from satan and meant to shake my faith in God.

After tears and conversations with a few positive people (and a few not so positive people), I feel so amazingly blessed.  My daughter and I will get to travel to some new and exciting places to meet doctors that are trying brave new treatments.

I, literally, have only a week or two to figure this out.  The cancer that I have is extremely widespread and is very aggressive.  Tomorrow will bring new blessings.

The Best Part!

The best part of having my chemo infusions at Moffitt in Tampa is that I get to stay the night with my twin sister's daughter and her precious husband.  We drive down the night before and have a great time figuring out what we are going to do for dinner.  You have to remember that because my niece is my twin sister's daughter, she may be closer to me than just a niece.  I love her like a daughter.  I can't tell you how many times, when she was growing up, that she thought I was her mother.

This precious niece has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during this amazing journey.  She does research for me and makes connections.  She talks about me to her clients, who have started many prayer chains for her "Aunt Cheryl".  She has also put me intouch with her clients that have cancer too.  I have made a great friendship with one of her clients that battled cancer.

This young woman is also my daughter's closest cousin and best-friend.  She is there when when my daughter needs to talk.  The two of them are always dreaming up ways to keep me happy and positive.  If laughter is the best medicine then I will be cured soon, just laughing at them.

I am looking forward to my next sleep over!    

Chemo, again, next week!

I want to describe the emotional and physical feelings at this point.  I do get an bit anxious the night before my chemo infusion.  The appointment starts with a blood draw and then a visit with my oncologist and his team.  This time we should know a little more about whether my body is willing to keep taking Chemo.  That will be done by looking at the White Blood cell count and by looking at the plattelets.  I am looking into procedure that can be done to my Spleen that can help.  Actually, one of my best friends was the second patient in Duval county to get the procedure and it worked.

It is a little nerve wraking knowing that I am coming closer to the point where the doctor looks me in the eye and says, "there is nothing more we can do for you."  There are many points in the last two years that I did not think I would be here on earth today.  I also have continued to go through a phase that is abosolutely positive.  People can say absolutely anything and I only see it as a oppotunity to educate them.  I just don't think that anyone has offended me or has been inappropriate.  I want people talking about it and learning about it.

When the pain pills wear off I find myself getting weepy.  I do hit the "why me" point from time to time.  It usually scares the cat and he tries to comfort me.  This phase does not last long, but I think is necessary.

For a person that has always controlled and tried to do everything herself...I am sure getting a lesson in allowing grace into my life.  I just don't see how in my childhood, I could have had this awareness.  It really does take some stress, drama & hard ship to get this understanding with God.

The Holy Spirit gives me decernment every day,  I am trying to hard to listen.

So the emotional state goes hand in hand with the physical state.  They take turns driving this train.

Be Careful What You Wish For!

My deceased husband and I used to love coming home on the weekends and just get away from it all. We both worked so hard during the week that our weekends were our time.  But weekends were suddenly our time to run errands, get groceries, wash cars, do laundry, go to church, get the house cleaned, do all of the yard work and fulfill family obligations.  There were so many days that I would tell him that I would pay someone to not make me go anywhere.  I simply wanted to stay home and relax.

Now, I find myself excited for a day out of the house.  I have spent so much time in the house, because I feel so terrible, that I can't wait to feel well enough to go places.  I do go to work two days a week as I feel strong enough...the work that I love is so much more appreciated than ever before.

So, I used to wish to stay home and now I wish to get out and about.  

Looking for the blessings...!!!

Pain, Pain Go Away!

One of the symptoms of Primary Peritoneal Cancer is pain and I sure have my share.  The hundreds of implants of cancer throughout my abdomen are too tough for me.  I am on time-released Morphine and I use hydromorphone for breakthrough pain.  These drugs are still not enough.  The intake nurse always asks me to describe the pain.  She asks if it is, "stabbing, burning, dull, sharp, constant, intermittent...etc" to which I answer, "yes"!

The pain increases with each passing day.  I worry about getting addicted to the pain meds.  The doctors and nurses continue to tell me that I am not an addictive personality.  What the heck does that mean.  I thought the drug was addicting.

Please pray for reduced pain and quality of life.  AMEN!

Part-Time Work!

If you have met me you know my passion for my job.  I really feel like I am making a difference.  I can talk people out of their tree and calm them down like you would not believe.  Young adults are desperately trying to find their way in life.  They are in college and wondering what kind of career lay ahead of them.  Many of them are on their own for the first time in their life.  They need a hug or a mom away from home.  So many of them just need encouragement.  College is a big scary thing when few people in their family have a degree.  I am the biggest cheerleader in their lives.  And I LOVE IT!

I can't talk about this without bringing up my team again.  I am honored to be at work part-time and have the people I work with still need me.  I know I have told you before how much I adore them.  But I have to brag on them.  Who gets to work with 9 people that show so much respect to each other?  I encourage them to honor each other's qualities and play those up in our team.  I am sure I drive them crazy many days, but they let me be me.  They know that at the end of the day, they are family to me.  

You guessed it!  All kinds of things go through my head.  There are so many things that I want to say to so many people.  I don't want things to go unsaid.  I want people to know how much I appreciate and love them.  I want each and every person to know what I value in them.  

Life With Cancer!

Life is much slower these days.  I don't have the energy to do much.  It is a good thing I like being alone at home.  Just me and my kitty cat.  I still spend a lot of time on the back porch watching the alligators & birds in and around the pond.  This gives me hours of good prayer time.

The morhine has given me a much better quality of life.  I can get out in the flowerbed and play around.  I love my flowers and anything else I can grow by my front door.  Right now, I am growing datil peppers.  This is a staple for the Minorcan kitchen.  Although, heartburn is a bigger part of my life, now...I still can sneak in some datil pepper.  I think it is the chemo that gives me heartburn.

I have regrets and have made many mistakes.  Because, if I think it...I say it, and I have hurt feelings unnecesarily.  I have come across as crazy when I am really just very silly.  Sometimes it is caculated insanity to see how people accept me.  I have worried about how I look and bought clothes that did not make a bit of difference.  At the same time, I have not said "NO" enough.  I have followed bosses orders when I should have spoken up.  I am very naive and want to believe in people that aren't worth believing in.  

I still have even more joys in my life than regrets.  Nothing on this earth tops seeing an amazing adult in your child.  God has allowed me to be a part of a life that brings me joy every day.  If you have met my daughter you will see a lot of me in her.  She has taken my joy to a greater level. She is so much more loving, generous and inculsive than I am.  She loves, loves, loves to laugh.  She has the guts to speak her mind and can stand up for what it right.  She is a sponge and is eager to learn and meet new people.

Alone time will do this to you.  My mind is all over the place.  So, that means you will get my mixed up thoughts on this blog.  I never said I was a writer.

God Bless you!

Life Time Limit?

Yesterday was my 13 dose of chemo.  The issue is that my blood counts are not so great.  Although I get the growth factor shot every time, my blood counts are trending downward.  The options are to adjust the chemo.  I could take a reduction in drugs every 4 weeks or spread out the drugs to every 5 weeks.  The shocking news to me was that at some point my little body will not be able to take any more chemo.  It does permanent damage to my bone marrow and it will stop producing what I need.

Never fear there are alternatives.  I have some friends that are using a different path and they have shared the contact info of the doctor they are using.  I will investigate this and count it as a huge blessing.

Hell On Wheels!

When we travel through airports or hospitals I have to use a wheelchair.  This is because it hurts so much to walk much distance and I end up in tears by the time I get to where I am going.

The fun part is that my daughter is in charge of pushing me.  The best way I can describe her driving style is that she has a sense of entitlement.  She thinks that everyone should have an ADA compliant mindset and get the heck out of the way when they see a wheelchair.  When they don't get out of her way she has a sweet way of letting them know that they are in the way.  "oh! sorry, I did not mean to take out your achiles tendon with the foot rest" or "so sorry, this thing is hard to stop" or "thank you for moving (a bit sarcastically)".

We spend more time laughing about the damage we do with that wheelchair.  She gets a real kick out of it all when the wheel chair gets out of control and I am screeming.  I am not a passive passenger.  I pretend like I have a break peddle and a steering wheel.  It simply does not work that way, but I am driving with all of my heart and getting no where.

Hey! Dont judge me.  We have to get some insane joy out of the obstacles that we have to deal with.

The State of Cheryl

My daughter and I just got back from a two day trip to MD Anderson in Houston, Texas.  I blood tests and CT scans of my pevis, abdomen & chest.  This is the triple contrast test that I just love so much.  I have to drink the contrast, have it put in through I.V. and enema.  The results absolutely floored me.

They consider the cancer to be stable.   I had to keep asking if they had the right test results for the right person, because my pain level has increased so much that I thought the disease had increased so much.  My last physical exam resulted in a very concerned gynocologist with the much larger tumors that he felt.  It turns out that what he felt was a shift in tumors because of increase fluid pressing down on the tumors and putting in a place that he could identify better.

There is a slight increase in the size of some of my lymph nodes, but tumors are not changing much.

So, we stay the course.  We continue with the same chemo.

Doctors are exstactic over this news.

Good Grief!

I have been thinking a lot about my last post.  I stated that I am not grieving, but after much thought I think that I am grieving the loss of my future life.  Primarily, this is about my daughter.  As I get things in order I think about my daughter going through the steps to follow my directions.

With me, 75% of my battle is figuring out what is going on.  Once I figure it out I know how to pray and how to put myself in a position to manage the thoughts and feelings.

My biggest concern is how all of this is affecting my daughter.

This may call for a little bit of counseling to get over this hump.

Why Me?

I think that I have discussed this throughout this blog.  But it is something that I find myself explaining to people from time to time.

Some people have suggested that I have done something bad in my life to deserve cancer.  Frankly, we are all sinners.  I resist comparing my life to others and proving that I am not so bad.  We may never know why God allows things to happen to us.  I think that many, many people are in a desperate search for the answer.  This is where strong faith is needed.  I believe that God is using me in a very special way.  I know that I make a difference in other people's lives because of this cancer.

Those of us that believe in the death of Jesus Christ on the cross know that Jesus did not deserve to bare our sins.  He paid the price for all of us without exception.  There are consequences for our actions, but we are forgiven because of Christ's actions.

I will reiterate again that I am blessed with cancer.  I have been chosen to bare this burden and set an example of how to adore God through it all.  Granted, you all don't see the evenings that I cry because I am tired of the battle.  I called in my prayer warriors just last night to help strengthen me through a rough spot.

I have been asked if I get angry about my cancer.  For some reason, I have not been angry at all.  I know that anger is part of the grieving process, but I have not seen this as something to grieve over.

There are so many people that have it so much worse than I do.  I am blessed.

It Is What It Is!

Everyone is wondering how I am doing with the possible big increase in the growth of my cancer.  (do you notice that I own the cancer, as in "my cancer"...not sure why I do that.  Maybe because it is part of me)  I really am not excited about it.  I get sick of dealing with it, but I know I am ready for the next phase.

"God does not give us more than we can handle."  How many times have you heard that?  Of course, I believe it, but there are days that I wonder.  Most of the time, I am able to put it in God's hands.  The issue is that I can't go a minute without thinking about it.  Cancer is so widespread in my body and it is such a huge part of me that it is hard to forget about, especially when the pain is getting worse.

I can lye flat on my back and feel the tumors in my belly.  They feel hard and are everywhere.  Some of them hurt when I press on them.  As far as the lymph nodes go, I only can feel two in my neck.  They feel like they have remained the same size.  Other lymph nodes are so far internally that I can't feel them.

Anyway, I am o.k. with the changes.  It motivates me to continue getting my affairs in order.

Breathe Easy!

I meant to update you all on the report from my pulmonologist.  I am excited to report at this time that my lungs continue to clear of fluid.  This is a good indication that the chemo is working on some of my cancer.  Maybe the cancer in my lymph nodes is showing some improvement.

It feels so good to take a deep breath.  I feel so sorry for anyone that has breathing problems.  You really do need oxygen to survive.  I think the most uncomfortable I have been is when my lungs were full of fluid.

I know one thing for sure...no one knows why my body does half the stuff it does.

You Never Know!

"You will never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left."

This quote hit close to home.  I have always looked at people with extreme physical challenges and I would tell myself that I could never do what they do.  How do they handle having surgery, drains, medications that make them sick, house bound for months, etc...  I am one of those people, now, and I am digging deep for my strength.

I imagine what it was like to get out and do anything that I wanted to do.  I decline more invitations to go do stuff than you can imagine.  My precious neighbors catch me doing stuff that I should not do and they run over to rescue me from myself.   I have a very strong will.  The issue is that too much activity sets me back a bit and I wind up in bed in pain and trying to recover.

So, this is all about mental strength as well as physical strength.  As I look back over my life, I can see that I have been in the process of preparation for this battle.

My Daughter

There is nothing that gets to my heart like my beautiful daughter.  She turned 21 years old this weekend.  I still don't think she is ready to handle losing me to cancer.  As we move forward with treatment and watch this cancer evolve into a dangerous disease that is getting harder to fight, we struggle more emotionally.  

I have so many offers from wonderful women that will be there for my daughter when I can't be.  There is none better than my identical twin sister or my own mother to step in.  But they are not me.  They are not the SILLY that I work so hard to bring into her life.  I try to stretch her imagination and even her reality.  Then I teach her to put a silly twist on the situation and laugh about it.

Look for the grace and blessings.  They are always there.  When I am sick and crying my daughter can lean over the bed and make me laugh through my tears.  The grace may look like something small, but it is something huge in the big picture of the situation.

When you are stressed...please slow down and start asking yourself what good could possibly come out of the situation.  It is there, even in horrible tradgedy.

New Growth!

I called the oncologist a few days ago about the new increase in pain that I am experiencing.  We decided that my gynocologist was the best option to rule out a Urinary Tract Infection.  This particular Doctor has remained very involved in my treatment.  MD Anderson sends him all of my records.  When I need some preliminary tests run, this local doctor does it without questions.  Dr. Robert Dupree in St. Augustine cares deeply for all of his patients, not just me.

Thursday, a physical exam turned up that I have tumor on the top of my bladder that is about the size of a lemon.  He could also feel  a few much larger tumors higher in my abdomen.  Thus the pain.  No UTI!

Monday I see my pulmonologist to determine if my lungs are still stable.  The fluid build up really wrecks the quality of my life.  So, I will get up bright and early tomorrow, get an x-ray and see Dr. Husain.

Later tomorrow, I have to contact both oncologists at Moffitt in Tampa and at MD Anderson in Houston, to let them know about the sudden changes in tumor size.

This means that the chemo will be changed.  Ugh!  It is tough to get used to new chemicals in my body, but I will get it done.  I feel strong enough and ready for the next phase of this battle.

More Amazing Acts Of Kindness!

Some special soul put flags along my front front flowerbeds and left two vases of red, white & blue mums.  I was so shocked when I opened the front door and saw all of my patriotic decorations.  I just love it.

I don't know who my special flower fairy is, but God knows.  As I pray for God to bless this special person, I know that God is listening.   This is true grace that I am getting to experience.

We experience grace everyday to be citizens of the United States of America.

I am free to seek the medical treatment of my choice because of the people that felt so much love for our freedom that they will risk their lives for our country.  I have options because of these people.  I have the freedom to travel to the medical center of my choice because of these brave people.

Most importantly, we are free to worship and study our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.  Ask a missionary that has been to China, Korea or the Middle East.  The people there are jailed or executed for worshipping the one true God.

I hope you all had a safe holiday, but I really hope that you are thanking God for our freedom and are asking him to give our leadership dicernment to make the right decisions to keep our freedom in place.

Random Act Of Kindnest!

I have not had a pedicure in almost a year, because when your white blood cell count is low it is not good to expose yourself to bacteria.  When you get a good pedicure they cut off dead skin and have been known to draw blood.  Not good when your body cannot fight infection.

My last blood draw showed that my white blood cell count was in the normal range...so I thought that I would treat myself.   It felt so good and special to have my feet all soft and pretty.

While I was sitting there a young woman asked me when my baby was due.  My tummy is quite distended, right now.  I had to break it to her that I was not expecting a baby, but that I had stage 4 cancer.  However, I took the opportunity to talk about this very dangerous and hidden cancer.

This gal's life has been touched by cancer in so many ways that she was interested and had a lot of questions for me.   I told her that I was blessed with this cancer to make a difference in this world.  If my story saves one life, then it was worth it.

When I went to leave the spa and pay for my special treatment, there was a gift card with a large amount of money on it at the front desk for me.  This young lady left it for me and had wished me luck.

I was floored...I cried for a while.  I have no way of knowing who she was nor do I have a way to thank her.  In this case, all I can do is pass it on.

There trully are nice people in this world and, today, I met one of them.

Newest Cancer Blood Marker!

I am not sure whether to cry or to jump for joy.  My CA125 decreased again (jump for joy), but it only decreased by 2 tiny points (cry).  I should be grateful to God for the continued improvement...but I get anxious for more!

I have to get used to the fact that this is going to be a long battle.  I guess it is o.k. to have cancer and fight the tough battle as long as I have a good quality of life.  A good quality of life, to me, means that I can get outside and do my yard work, go to church and go to work.

Some of you have heard the old hymn from church that goes something like this, "Count Your Blessings Name Them One by One, Count Your Blessings See What God Has Done..."

So instead of crying over extremely slow progress, I am going to count my blessings and jump for joy for any progress.

And that my dear friends is how I "pull myself up by my boot straps".

Here We Go Again!

I go next week for my next round of chemo.  I am starting to anticipate the infusions and I don't mean that in a good way.  My veins are suffering from the chemicals and are showing weakness when we try to start the pick line.  This could mean a port in my chest, sooner than later.  I don't want a port, but will hold my head up and be a big girl about it.

I will also get a blood test and see the results of my CA125.  Last time we saw a drop of almost 20 points.  I hope for a bigger drop than that this time.  Although the CA125 is not the best test, it is the best we have.  It has been a good indicator for me and the level of disease in my system.

I will get a new Rx for more pain meds, as the pain is not reducing.  It is odd that the skin on my abdomen also hurts.  I can't wear pants or a skirt that rubs my skin too much.  I am all about comfort these days.

I am still feeling blessed and excited about the great results I will get next week.

Something New Everyday!

One thing I hear constantly from my doctors is that they do not know why I have the symptoms that I have.  "It is different for everyone" they say.

Well, last night I started with some serious pain in my right side.  I debated on whether to go to the ER and watch them run in and out of my room for hours with no idea how to help me.  So I chose to take an extra pain pill and hope for the best in the morning.

This morning the pain is no better.  I will do some research online and try to figure out why I think I am in pain.

This is not that different from the recent swelling in my feet.  I will ask the doctor when I see him, but my guess is that since my lymph system is clogged from cancer, the fluid can not be moved around my body properly.  I have some excercises that I try to do when I am not in too much pain.

Some specialized yoga classes has been recommended.  I need to look into that.

I remain happy and blessed.  I continue to thank God for the cancer and all that comes along with it.

I Am Still So Humbled!

I am still so humbled at the number of prayers that you all are saying for me.  I am sooooo blessed to experience this type of love and consideration.

Although the cancer is not getting any better...it is stable, I am so blessed to experience a better quality of life.  The first three months of this year, I did not think I would be alive today.  I was one sick puppy.

Join me as I praise God for this improvement.

A Lump In My Throat & Tears In My Eyes!

Yesterday, my daughter asked me if I would write her letters for her to open on special days of her life.  She wants my thoughts and well wishes for her to open the day that she gets married.  She wants to hear my words of wisdom for the day that she has her first child.

I had thought about doing this, but to hear her ask for it just put me to my knees.  I know that she loves me and values my opinions, but to hear this just made my heart grow.

She said that if I am still alive on these special days, then we would just read the letters together.  How special that would be...my thoughts written at a time that I thought that I would not be here on earth.

I think that I will start some video files for her.  I think that she would much rather see me tell her my thoughts.  I have added it to my to-do list and will get started on it next week.

Jelly Belly!

Well, not exactly jelly, but my tummy is quite swollen and firm.  The oncologist was excited that the fluid is drying up, but the belly is not any smaller.  That is the nature of Peritoneal Cancer.

The peritoneum is the very thin moist skin that covers the inside of your abdomen and all of your internal organ.  It is all slippery so that your organs can move effortlessly into place as you move.   The lymph run through the peritoneum to help moisturize it.  If your lymph nodes are clogged then the peritoneum is not properly moisturized.  Well, my cancer is very much peritoneal & lymphatic at this point, along with other tumors.  But it is this cancer that is causing me such sickening pain.  It prevents me from being able to eat a normal portion of food and then makes me want to throw that up.

Don't look at the internet about this kind of cancer.  It says that there is a 100% morbidity rate.  Well, I think that is what the doctors mean when they keep telling me that there is no cure for me.  The internet gives me 12 - 18 months to live.

That's o.k. because the internet and the doctors are not GOD.  Last time I checked God is in control of my life.  I still surprise the doctors with my attitude (becoming more of a struggle) and my mobility.  I remain happy most of the time.  I am never depressed.  I cry every now and then because the pain becomes more than I can handle.  But really, I am o.k.

I still feel blessed that God chose me to take this on.  I do feel very special in that respect.

I wonder how people handle things like this without God.

Some Like It Hot!

I surely do not like it hot.  I have had a low fever on and off all weekend.  By low, I mean that it has been just over 100 degrees.  This low fever has nocked me off of my feet.  The pain has increased a bit and I have had all of the symptoms of a fever...chills, skin hurts, etc.

I am o.k.  I have got to stop thinking about the fact that this chemo can stop working at any time.  Any set back makes me think about it.  I believe in self fulfilling prophecy.  If you keep think about negative things then negative things are allowed in your life.

I try to stay positive and focus on God.  I am still happy every day.

Why All of This Fluid?

One of my biggest challenges with this cancer has been the fluid build up.  After draining the abdomen twice the doctors decided on a permanent port that I would drain at home.  It stayed in for two months until it got infected.  Because of the infection the scars are worse than any of the others that I have.

I ask the doctors why I have so much fluid in my belly and they give me a few reasons:
- The cancer that I have leaks fluid
- The body builds up fluid to protect itself

This time around with this recurrence of cancer, my lungs have been filling up.  After the doctor has drained a liter of fluid off of both lungs twice, he stated that he would have to put a port under each arm so that I could drain at home.  But thank God the chemo has helped the fluid remain stable at about half full.

I asked the doctor why I have so much fluid build up in my lungs this time.  He said that there are three reasons that I have fluid:
-The cancer is leaking fluid
- The fluid in the abdomen is looking for more room and leaks into my chest wall and eventually into my lungs
- The lymph system is unable to do its job and move the fluid because the cancer in my lymph nodes is clogging my lymph system.

I Forgot To Tell You About Mother's Day

I have to tell you that my time with my daughter is more precious with each passing day.  We soak up every little second and look for the joy in our time together.  A gift from my daughter does not have to be anything monetary or physical.

We went to our favorite little food truck, Nalu's, for some of the best fish tacos in the world.  We sat at an old pic-nic table in the parking lot of an old gas station turned "Surf Station" and almost licked the plate clean.

We then stepped over to the other food truck, that has been there for years, and had a snow cone.  She always orders it with half & half with dragon's blood and guava juice.  I get my snow cone different every time.  This time was guava and kiwi.  It was such a treat to sit and enjoy this simple pleasure.

Then we took her 4 X 4 truck down on the beach and watched a dirty old man try to get pictures of us in our bikinis.  Yep!  even with my swollen cancer belly.

It was the best day of my life.  Just sitting there in my favorite place in the world with my favorite person in the world.  Another miracle to praise God for as I continue to struggle with my healing.

Breathabililty!

I am happy to report that in the last two weeks the fluid build up in my lungs has become stable.  Of course, I want improvement, but I will take stable.  This means that I still have some pain in my lungs and some problems breathing and coughing, but it is not getting horrible again.  This also means that the chemo is still working.

With this recurrence of cancer I have had my lungs drained twice.  The pulmonologist threatened to put semi-permanent drains in if the fluid kept building up.  That would mean that I would have tubes under each arm and I would drain the fluid at home.  I had that in my abdomen for two months, earlier this year, and it did not go so well.  I was able to drain the fluid, but the tubes inside of me hurt.  Then the darn thing got infected.

You can't imagine how grateful I am that I am breathing without oxygen, unless I get out and do too much.  Plus, my daughter would trip over my tubes and rip the them right off of my face.  It was a good thing I was not hooked up to life support or she would have ripped the plugs out of the wall.  We laugh about that a lot.

Gotta get your laughs somewhere.  In the mean time, help me thank God that I am stable and keep praying for improvement.  I need some encouragement, right now.

Not Much To Tell Between Chemo!

I hate that I have not updated you all lately.  There is not much to tell these days in between chemo.  I am slowly getting stronger and the pain is very slowly lightening up.  I even went to work a few days over the past few weeks.  Oh! everyone fusses at me, but I am going to do just what I want to do.

It was so good to see my team.  Some of them talk very openly with me and others sense that I am going to break down in tears if they look at me.  It does not mean that one person means more to me than the other, it is just that we have different kinds of relationships.  I love all of them so much.

They treated me like nothing had changed and I was back in the swing of things feeling normal and productive...until about 4:30pm when the pain started and I could barely make it to the car.

When this past Tuesday's chemo wears off I am going to give it a shot again for a few days in the office.

Hospice!???

My daughter and I met with Hospice.  I may not need them for years, but the way I have been feeling the past several months, I really wanted them in my life.  I am slightly improving everyday.  Well....some days are two steps forward and some days are way more than just one step back.

At any rate...I am all set up and know the plan with hopice.  There are forms that my doctor has to sign when the time comes closer.  Please do not read into this that I want to die.  Or that I am setting myself up for self fulfilling profecy.  My daughter and I just have a lot of questions and if I get it all set up it will take any guilt out of it for her and my sister.  They know exactly what my wishes are and that I don't want to die at home.  I want to pass like my father did in a wonderful clean and private hospice facility.

All of this may sound morbid to you.  But Hospice told me that it is usually the family scrambling last minute.  They are very supportive of how I am doing this and that really makes me feel better.

New Battery Of Test!

After every three chemo treatments I have to go through blood tests and CT scans of my pelvis, abdomen & chest.  This is to determine if the chemo is working.

I had the latest tests on Monday and met with my oncologist on Tuesday.

I have to admit that I cried when I got the test results.  I did not cry because I was happy or sad.  I can only say that it was just a release of so many emotions.

The results are...no change in many of my tumors and lymph nodes.  There is some reduction in size in many more of the lymph nodes and tumors.  The peritoneal cancer also has not changed.  The best part of these results is that the cancer is not getting worse and there is no new growth.

I have to go for three more months of chemo and then CT scans again.  So thankful that I am not a candidate for surgery, yet.  I do not think that I or my family are ready for that, right now.
 
Our prayer is that this chemo cocktail continues to work, even if it is working slowly.

Two Days of Normal!

I am not sure why, but on Monday afternoon I started to feel normal.  I had no pain in my stomach or chest, I could breathe and my brain felt somewhat clear.  By Tuesday, although still with little energy, I pulled myself up by my boot straps and drove to the beach.  I walked for two glorious hours on the beach.  I have not walked that far in total in 3 months.  I cried over 1/2 of the time, because I was so grateful for that day.  I praised God, sang hymns and spoke to strangers.  No one knew I had cancer.  I was healthy and normal for that day.

For two days this week, I did not take pain pills, I caught up on some paperwork and walked around the yard to enjoy the new flowers in the beds.  I felt so well that I called work and told them that I would be coming back for a limited number of hours.  I even went to church Wednesday night for the first time in 3 months.  It felt so amazing.

Alas, my freedom from pain was short lived.  I am back on the pain pills and missing my normal life.

Oh! The Coffee Enemas...

...and all of the other remedies that I am bombarded with.  I usually consider the source first and then start looking for some documentable evidence.  I have drank this tea and swallowed that herbal pill.

Then recently an acquaintance that is in much the same space I am in with cancer suggested the coffee enema.  She has a strong medical background and her husband has a strong business background...not quite the hippy type.  They reached out to me and started asking how I was cleansing my liver.   Well...uuummm!  The coffee enema was highly recommended.  Not just by these people but by well  respected cancer centers around the globe.

I decided that with all of the chemo and other drugs that have been filtering thorough my liver for the past year, I should give it a shot.

You gotta start with the right equipment and a lot of towels.  I have a cousin that once said that giving yourself an enema is like trying to hem yourself up in the corner of a round room.  I figured this out pretty quickly and went and found my adventurous daughter that is willing to do anything for a laugh.

This was a hilarious project.  The comments, "how do you like your coffee" and "do you want cream & sugar with that"  just kept the insanity going.  We did use 100% Columbian beans.  Juan Valdez would be proud.

I will spare you any more details, but this is a daily ritual that really does make one feel a bit better.  We need a healthy liver to fight cancer.

Accept The Fact That Life Is Not Fair!

Life is not fair!  People will tell you that accepting Christ as your savior will make your life wonderful.  It will not...well, not necessarily...it could.  Actually, your faith is all about life in eternity...after death.  It is what you believe and do in this life on earth that will dictate how you spend eternity.

This is not to say that if someone is having an easy or great life that they are not trully Christian.  You can not judge someone's prosperity on whether they are a "good" Christian.  And what is a "good" Christian, anyway.  Be careful here.  We tend to put human judgement on our lives, when God is promising us spiritual wealth and happiness.  These are people that follow the law of God in addition to the law of the land.  This is one of the reasons people go to church and read their bible.  It is to know and understand the law of God.  Just because someone does these things does not necessarily mean that they are a "good" Christians.

Then what is the point?  I want to be all happy and have fun, now.  The point is FAITH.  I am saved by faith, alone!   I choose to be happy every day...no one makes me that way.

Our Furry Friends!

I can not talk about my dance with cancer without mentioning my little furry buddy, Spud.  He is a cat that we rescued about 14 years ago.  I had never lived with an animal in the house with me until this cat.  I grew up on a farm where animals lived outside and people lived inside.

I know you have heard about studies that prove people live longer when they have a pet by their side. Well, I believe it.  This little guy never paid too much attention to me.  I was his door man/woman and the person that fed him.  Now, he rarely leaves my side.  In fact, he wants to cuddle.   This has been an independent cat until now.  He would sit and stare at me like he wanted to kill me.

I can't imagine my life without him.  During the hundreds of hours of alone time, he is here.

God puts these amazing creatures in our lives for our pleasure and we certainly do enjoy them.

How Am I Doing?

I am getting a lot of questions.  After every chemo treatment I am quite nauseated.  After the Neulasta shot my bones ache.  I have very little energy.

My daughter has been taking care of me and making sure that my meds are taken on time.

I finally got some morphine and it has helped, but it has not taken the pain away completely.  I am grateful for any relief.

The most positive news is that my CA125 (blood marker) has gone down a little.  That is an indication that the chemo should still be working.  My symptoms may be getting worse, but it seems that the chemo might be moving me forward.  This is encouragement that I desperately needed.

Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

Rough Day, But Feeling Positive

I started my day with an urgent visit to the pulmanologist's office due to extreme pain in my left thorax.  X-rays from yesterday showed significant increase in the fluid build-up.  The doctor said that the fluid should not cause this kind of pain.  He said that a blood clot could be the culprit.  After CT scans, ultrasounds and a thoracentesis, the pain is incredibly worse.  There is no real explanation for the pain other than an increase in the growth of the cancer.

I was treated by some amazing people.  I really appreciate that these people love their jobs and treat sick people with so much respect.  I was a big baby through part of it, but I have never hurt like this.  No one bushed me off.  They were genuinely concerned.

Please pray for these professionals that have thankless jobs.  They deal with our bad moods, our body fluids and our inquiring families.  What amazing angels.

They have inspired me.

Next Steps!

I have another chemo session this week.  I pray that the blood tests show that the chemo is still working.  I am not sure how it can be working as my struggles are increasing.  The day after chemo I will get that terrible Neulasta shot in the belly.  This shot is a growth factor to help my bones create more blood cells.  I need more white blood cells.  This shot is so terrible because it makes my bones ache like you would not believe.

A few weeks after this chemo I will go through extensive testing to determine if I should continue chemo, change chemo and/or go into surgery for "debulking".  I am a bit anxious about this testing, because it makes me so sick.

I will hold my head up and pray.  God will give me what I need to get through this.  I will prop myself up in the wheelchair, I will strap my oxygen in and I will travel and enjoy every second with my daughter who is taking me to all of these appointments.  She really brings a lot of silly to these situations.  We are usually seen laughing as she pushes me through the airport on our way to my next treatments.  I am surprised that we have not been locked up by the TSA.

She is so much fun and helps me forget how sick I really am.