I Should Have Been A Fish

X-rays show that my right lung has more fluid in it than a few weeks ago.  My left lung has much less fluid.  I simply can not breathe underwater.  In addition, this condition really makes my ribs and chest hurt.  To take a deep breath is a challenge because it starts a coughing frenzy.  

The doctor was smart enough NOT to put me in the hospital.  He said that there are way too many bacteria that you can pick up in a hosptal.  One of the reasons that I thought he would put me in the hospital is that I have had a fever that the oncologists will not tolerate.  They want me to go to the ER if my temp is over 100.4 on and off for 24 hours.  Indeed, I have had a temp like that for a few days.

So, here is what we are doing.  I had a test today that indicated that I need to be on oxyen.  The medical supply company is coming with the oxygen in a little bit.  I will also have an overnight study where I have to wear a thingy on my wrist to determine if I also need oxygen at night.  On my wrist?...whatever!

I had multiple blood tests to make sure that the fever is not bacteria, viral or whatever.  If I don't have a fever for those reasons then we know it is the tumors that are causing the fever.  This is not unusual.  If I do have a fever for any of those reasons then I will be on some heavy antibiotice...maybe even in the hospital in isolation with an IV at that point.  But we will try to avoind that.  The problem with a cancer patient is that an infection can turn into sepsis pretty fast when the white blood cell count is low.  This is a very dangerous condition.  

I will endure this too.  It is all part of the game at this point.  I am looking forward to these issues clearing up in the next month or so.  Come on chemo!

More Than I Thought!

I finally felt well enough today to go back and read the reports of the scans done in February.

I did not realize that I have two enlarging masses in the right lobe of my liver, colon, the end of the stomach, etc.  In addition, I don't think that there is a lymph node in my entire body that isn't increasing in size.

How does this make me feel?  I guess I feel a little more special.  Not really concerned or scared at all.  It puts into perspective why I am so ill and that this is going to be a tougher battle than I thought.

I do cry and pray for my family.

The Heart of a Daughter!

I have not spent a lot of time here chatting about my daughter.  She is the brightest spot in my life.  She is my reason for fighting.  I really could not do this without her.  She cares for me much of the time, when not in college classes and working.  She mirrors my attitude and don't you dare treat her like she does not understand how serious this disease is.  She knows...she just chooses to smile about it.

We find ways to talk openly and honestly about the possibilities of our future.  Although, I am not sure how really healthy it is to speak of my trip to heaven, my daughter says that it helps her to plan.

I learned a long time ago that dwelling on the worst case scenario can cause undue stress.  You don't know that you are not going to experience the best case scencario.  So why waste all of that effort and happiness on worrying about what might happen.  And we talk about this too.

All I can do is try to set a strong example for my beautiful daughter.

But for now, knowing that we are planning...helps!

By the way, I am not going anywhere.  All of you should plan for the inevitable, too.

Like A Fish Out Of Water!

I am drowning over here.  I simply can't catch my breath.  My lungs are so full of fluid that breathing normally is not an option.  The lack of oxygen is killing my energy level.

Why don't you get it drained, again?  Because it introduces bacteria to my system when they punch through my back into my lungs.  Remember my white blood cell and platelets are really low this time.  I have to try to tough it out as long as I can.  Don't worry!  I will get to a point and will throw my hands up.  My doctors are really wonderful about listening to me and letting me help direct my care.

I would love to have an oxygen tank, but when they test me for home oxygen, my O2 levels are just within range.  Thus, no oxygen bottle.  Grrrr!

The chemo should start drying the fluid up soon.  It is just taking longer because this is a different type of chemo.

I remain positive and happy!

Making It!

I finished my second chemo.  The doctors agreed to switch up some medicines that has helped with the nausea.  My blood counts are so low that I had to get the Neulasta shot in the belly.  Ugh!  This shot makes my bones ache.  It is working to force my bones to make more blood.

Here is the positive news that I needed!  My blood cancer markers are down after only the first chemo.  They are down over 300 points...to 638.  Yay!  That means that all of this suffering is worth it.

Although, I physically feel much worse, my spirits are much higher.  I feel your prayers, as I was able to thank God for the pain and sickness.

Take The Bad With The Good.

I finally got the abdominal port taken out.  Another reason my spirits are up.

Since the day this port was placed I have been house bound, I have needed a wheelchair and I have had a low grade fever.  The port was placed to prevent me from having to go get my abdomen drained everyweek.  I was able to drain it myself.  I feel better just getting it taken out.

It started getting infected and will leave a nice little scar.  I am o.k. with scars.  They are proof of my battles.  They are medals of honor.

Aren't you all happy to hear that I am getting a grip.  This is nothing but answered prayers, love and support from you all.

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!

A Weak Week!

This is the hard part.  The lungs continue to fill with fluid and I have chemo this week.  I have been in bed or on the couch 90% of the day.  My quality of life declines as I struggle for a new foothold.  

I have so much pain that pills are a necessity.  

Only my sister, Carol, will ever see the break down that I had, yesterday.  She helped lift me up and talked me out of my tree.  I am required to follow her orders, from now on.  She even calls me during the day to make sure that I have done what she ordered.  (yes, I ate an egg for breakfast)  This is important to me as I am losing my desire to do anything.  

Those of you that read way to much into this, stop.  I am o.k.  I remain happy and positive.  I just find it more difficult to stay happy and positive.  I talk about it here so that you all have food for thought.  

My desire is that my experiences make you pause and think twice about your attitude when things are tough!  Everyone has bad stuff happen.  Some of us are blessed to have sooooo much more bad stuff than others may have.  

It is o.k.!

Brief Hospital Stay!

I just finished a brief hospital visit.

By Sunday afternoon my lips were blue from the lack of oxygen.  My lungs have been filling with fluid due to the fact that I can not breathe deeply.  My diaphram hurts from the cancer and I subconciously avoid deep breaths.  It also does not help when I am lying down all of the time.

So, a trip to the ER.  The ER would not drain the fluid because I am a cancer patient.  Thus, they admitted me into the hospital.

On Monday, they drained 1300 cc of fluid from my right lung and 1000 cc from my left lung on Tuesday...1000 cc = 1 liter.  The pulmonologist went through my back between ribs into my lungs.  I was wide awake during the procedures.  I could feel the tube crunching through cartiledge and then into my lungs.  It was a very interesting experience.

I likely will have to get it drained again in a week, as I feel the rattling in my chest when I breathe.

The docs say that I am a champion, because I try to make every situation fun.  If you could have heard the conversations during the procedures you would laugh too.  It helps to have a doctor that enjoys a sense of humor.

This Causes Cancer...That Prevents Cancer!

It seems that about once a month or so, we here or read that another study has come out about how good or bad certain food or habits are for us.

Here are a few of things that I have heard about:

Exercise: I have heard multiple times that athletes have an extremely low incidents of cancer.

Sunshine:  I have read somewhere that people need 20 - 30 minutes of sunshine a day to help prevent cancer.  We get our vitamin D from the sun and that is a huge cancer fighter.

Coffee:  There have been articles out in the past few years about the benefits of coffee.   One cup a day prevents cancer.  Have you heard the one about the coffee enemas?

Stress:  I think that we all know that stress kills.   But MD Anderson did a study that proves stress causes cancer.

Pureed Asparagus:  Two tablespoons a day curses cancer.  A doctor told me this just today.

Green Tea:  Drinking this tea every day will prevent cancer.

I could go on.   The problem is that some people get great results with some of these things, but other can do the exact same thing and see no results.

Missing Work!

I have always had the attitude to give more than I take.  I feel terribly guilty that I am getting paid sick leave and I am not doing much for it.  I know how the system works...I have just never liked working the system.

My staff are doing a fabulous job in my absence.  I am not surprised because I know what they are capable of.  They show me phenominal work everyday.  But they take my work along with their's and they keep gettting it done.

I get all kinds of advice, "ah!  let it go...it will be there when you get back".  First of all, this past month has sucked all desire to care, right out of me.  I have not had the energy to really follow up with my office.  And secondly, my job is not one that you can just walk away from.   People have to be in place to take up the slack,

I really can not blog about this sojourn without frequently mentioning my office staff.  I love them!  They are one of the most important parts of my life.

What Would You Really Do!

Maybe this is a bit morbid, but I think these thoughts go through our heads when we think of a friend that is dying from cancer.

How would I feel if I were told I had stage 4 cancer?

Would you go to your knees and thank God?  Would you go to bed and cry for days.

How would you act when you and the doctors have decided that the disease has a hold on you and it  will never let go?  Will you live like every day is your last?  Or would you snuggle up close to God and live the way HE wants you to?

Maybe you would get even with the people that have wronged you throughout your life.  Or maybe you will double down on your prayers for these people.

Will you care less of what people think of you or will you care more?

Will you filter your words more or will you just let those honest thoughts fly?  Those of you that know me well are giggling at this one.  Because I have never really used a filter.  I always figured that you deserve for someone to tell you, so it might as well me be.

Hmm!

Lung Capacity!

Evidently, lung capacity is important.  Right this minute I can only inhale 1000 ml of air.  I need to get up to 2500 ml of air.  I have a meter that I use to measure my success.

Fluid is taking up the rest of my lung capacity.  The more active and up-right I am the better my chances are of getting this fluid to dry up.

I was so sick after chemo that I could not hold my head up for a week.   Lying down all of the time is what started this mess in my lungs.  This is not pneumonia...I do not have a fever.  However, it could turn into that very quickly.

Denied!

National Institute of Health called.  I am not elligible for any of their cancer trials at this time.  Although, I have tumors all over the place, none are large enough to sample.  This does not mean that I will not be elligible in the future.  I will send my next CT scan to them and if the disease has advanced then I may be in.

I hope it does not come to that.  I hope that the chemo that I am getting, now, helps.

It Just Keeps Getting Better!

O.K.  That is sarcasm!  I am so over this.  

My lungs are filling with fluid.  I could feel it, but an x-ray, today, confirmed it.  There really is not much that can be done about it.  It is building in my lungs because I don't breathe deeply enough.  I don't breathe deeply enough because my abdomen is so full of fluid and it hurts to breathe.

I am doing deep breathing exercises, now  Let's hope that helps.  If it gets worse I have to have it drained.  That is a bigger ordeal when they have to go between your ribs to insert a drainage tube.  I went through this the first time I had cancer.  

I get to have all of the fun!  Keep, Praying!  I still need you!

I Didn't Mean to Scare Ya' !

What a crazy few weeks.  Remember I had told you that I had to get the excessive fluid drained every few weeks, from my abdomen.  Finally, after have to go in every week, they put in a permanent drain so that I can do it my self when the pressure is to much to handle.  I am o.k. with it.

Then I got chemo over a week ago.  It was supposed to be an easier cocktail to tollerate.  Someone was mistaken or I had every negative side effect possible.  I threw up my toes.

I begged several people to take me to hospice.  This has been the sickest and the most pain I have experienced to date.

I am focussing on the dream that it will get easier.  I really do praise God for the pain and the suffering.

I have details to tell you.  I just got up enough energy to do this post.