Go Gators!

I am feeling fabulous on the new product created by the brilliant Stem Cell Researchers at UF.  Just like all cancer treatment it seems to work on some folks and not on others.

The biggest change for me is the ketogenic diet.  I thought I ate relatively sugar free, but when you take into account the carbs in the fruits and veggies that I eat it is overwhelming.  I have only reached my goal 1 day in the last week.  It seems that carrots are mostly carbs and when I have just bought 5 lbs of carrots, I am going to eat them.  So until these carrots are gone my carb ratio will be too high for the likes of this diet.

I am still smiling and hopeful.

Thank you for all of the prayers.  I am feeling the effects of every single one of them.

What Next!

Since the first dance with chemo did not last long (6 - month remission), I think I will look into alternatives.

I am in a study at the University of Florida that may show some improvement in the growth of this cancer.  It is a non-toxic therapy that will not make my hair fall out.  So far the pills are only giving me a little tummy ache and I am taking 8 - 10 pills a day.  I need to double that amount, but that may take me a month to ramp up that high.

The AMAZING stem cell researchers at UF that I am hooked up with, are helping me find the right treatments.  They are suggesting an oncology immunologist.  I am looking at MD Anderson and UF, at the moment.

I have a precious friend that just finished some kind of gene therapy at the National Institute of Health.  I am in the process of getting my oncology records sent to them.

In cases of re-occurrences of cancer, patients clamor for new trial programs.  We want a cure, not just something that may or may not work.  We face problems with our body becoming drug intolerant and our body will reject groups of drugs.  In many cases the doctors run out of drugs/treatments/therapies for patients.  So we look for the next hopeful thing...whether it is traditional medicine or non-traditional.

The Sweetest Thing Happened To Me!

I was in the elevator at MD Anderson and was behaving in my usual cheerful silly way...just chatting away with my mother.  With us were two Islamic women with the black head scarves draping their faces.  They were so beautiful that I had to smile at them.  All of a sudden the much younger says, "she wants to give you this".  I looked over and the older one handed me a beautiful hand made heart shaped pillow that was obviously hand made.  It was about the size of a dinner plate.  As surprised as I was, I very graciously took the pillow and hugged her.  She hugged me back and kissed me on the right shoulder.  I kept thanking her, because I was so touched by her actions. 

These women really touched my heart.  I am not sure why God put them in my path that day, but that little gesture meant so much more to me than I can express.  I was so humbled by this. 

And Then There Was More!

They need to stop looking for cancer.  Every time they look, there is more, more, more!

Most recently my oncologist notes read like this, "the patient had an elevated CA-125 above a 900... that is an all time high.  The CT shows evidence of significant progression of disease with interval development of ascites and peritoneal carcinomatosis, significant progression of disease with enlarged lymphadenopathy, primarily of the left gastric and portacaval chain, right internal mammary chain, and probably left supraclavicular chain, most likely small bowel ileus. Infiltrating serosal disease cannot be excluded."

The supraclavicular chain of lymph nodes go up the neck and into the brain.  That is an exciting place to have cancer.  Maybe that would explain the extreme headaches that I have on the left side of my head.

Stay posted for exciting updates.

Peritoneal Carcinomatosis!

This is what the clinic notes say that I have.  This is only small part of the big picture. "Peritoneal carcinomatosis is a rare type of cancer that affects the peritoneum, which is the thin layer of tissue that surrounds the organs in your abdominal cavity, as well as the abdominal cavity itself. Fluid fills the space between the layers to offer extra cushioning as the organs bump around in your body Peritoneal carcinomatosis develops when existing abdominal cancers, including appendix, colon, rectal, and pancreatic cancers, spread into the peritoneum. This causes tumors to grow throughout the peritoneum. The spread of an abdominal cancer to the peritoneum usually means that your abdominal cancer is in an advanced stage"

It's Baaaaack!

The cancer is back.  It is in the lymph nodes around my aorta and vena cava.  It is also in the lymph nodes around my stomach and liver.  I still have a lot of options if God is willing to let me live. 

I am so excited for the next chapter of cancer. I have so many more lives to touch.  I can make a huge impact in the time I have left.

I remain stupidly positive and I am ready for battle with God by my side. 

The Reason For It All!

Those Voices In My Head!

Wow!  If you thought it was tough getting your head wrapped around the fact that you have a terminal cancer...it is tougher to get your head to stop thinking about a recurrence.  I stay really busy and I try to ignore those thoughts, but every time something hurts or does not feel right I think it is back.

I am concerned that if I think about it too much I am going to see it come to fruition.  You know...Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that junk.  I believe that you put your troubles in God's hands and you move on.  This is a tough one to do that with.

It Is Everywhere!

Monday, I got a call from two friends that have been diagnosed with cancer.  I know that they wanted me to give them a silver bullet to kill that cancer, but all I can tell them is that it is 50% diet, 30% attitude & 20% medical treatment.  The medical treatments are the hardest, most visible part.  It can make one sicker than they have ever been in their lives. 

Additionally, I got word that a local acquaintance passed of Ovarian cancer.  She fought it for three years.  That is what I had.  This is just a little bit too close to home. 

I mentor several other cancer patients, with all sorts of cancers at different stages.  Support in fighting this disease is hugely important.  In some case, I am the only person that these patients have to talk to.  My drive home at night is usually spent on the cell phone (I know, I know...) talking to these cancer patients. 

I cry for them and pray for them.  I am so upset for the difficult road ahead. 

MD Anderson Has It Going On!

I just heard this interview with Dr. Depinho, president of MD Anderson Cancer Center.  He talks about your Moon Shots program.  One example he gave was gaining the  knowledge that doing chemo first for ovarian cancer increases the “R0”status from 20% to 89%.  http://www.eab.com/daily-briefing/2014/11/07/business-major-blues-lack-of-purpose-and-guidance?elq_cid=1283120 . 

Dr Depinho, skipped over some important details. The patient group he is talking about are those patients with very widespread, non-resectable disease. Those patients are almost impossible to surgically reduce to what he calls "R0", or no residual disease. But, if you give those patients chemo first, the burden of disease goes down and they become better candidates for surgery. And it's much easier for the surgery to be "R0".

Dr Depinho is NOT talking about all ovarian patients, only the subgroup with non-resectable disease. There are a number of papers in the literature that look at this question in a wider group of patients, and the conclusion is that chemo before surgery (neoadjuvant chemo), confers no survival advantage, unless you have non-resectable disease. Many studies have shown this to be the case. Here's an extract from a very recent paper (September 2014 issue of Gynecologic Oncology):

"The impacts of neoadjuvant chemotherapy and of debulking surgery on survival from advanced ovarian cancer"

Highlights:
• Neoadjuvant chemotherapy is associated with an inferior survival compared to primary debulking surgery.
• Optimal debulking is achieved when there is no visible residual disease.
• Aggressive surgical techniques can contribute to the achievement of no residual disease.

Conclusions:
Neoadjuvant chemotherapy should be reserved for ovarian cancer patients who are not candidates for primary debulking surgery. Among women with no residual disease after primary debulking surgery, intraperitoneal chemotherapy extends survival.

Where Did You Get That Hair?

My hair is growing in like I have never seen it.  I have the chemo curl/frizz.  When I get up in the morning I look like I have an afro.  When I get ready to go somewhere I wet it and then put a handful of goop in it.  I then twist it all over to create beautiful curls.  Everyone tells me that they love it, but I am not thrilled with it.  I remember the days of the long straight hair that was put up in a pony tail when it was not cooperating.  This mess takes a lot of work.

Most people want to know if I will keep it short.  Heck! No!  I am not sitting for an hour or two every few weeks to get a hair cut.  I want it to grow as long as it can.  Since I don't have any grey hair I can grow it out and donate it to "Locks of Love".  They make wigs for children with medical issues.  I did that when I cut it for preparation for chemo.  I am sure that some child somewhere in this world is loving shiny new wig. 

GMOs - Genetically Modified Organisms

Did you know how much of our food is genetically modified with DNA from bacteria, viruses or other plants and animals? The chemical out put of these genetically modified foods are carcinogenic (cancer causing). 

Here are a few of the foods to stay away from.

" The most common GMOs are soy, cotton, canola, corn, sugar beets, Hawaiian papaya, alfalfa, and squash (zucchini and yellow)."

 "Cereals, snack bars, snack boxes, cookies, processed lunch meats, and crackers all contain large amounts of high risk food ingredients. In North America, over 80% of our food contains GMOs. If you are not buying foods that are Non-GMO Project Verified, most likely GMOs are present at breakfast, lunch, and dinner."

It is a daunting task to figure out the right way to eat.  You think that you are doing the right thing, but then you find out that your food (veggies) are poisoning you.  We all know to stay away from sugar, fried and processed food, but now we can't eat what we thought was good wholesome food.

Ugh!

Prophylactic Mastectomy

Since the cancer was also found in my mammary nodes, I have done a lot of research and decided on a bilateral prophylactic mastectomy.  This means that I will have my breast tissue removed.  This will reduce the risk of breast cancer by 90%.  I am not sure if the odds are that high for me since they have already found the cancer in my lymph nodes.

Getting this surgery done is next to impossible if I want a good doctor to do it.  This is because of my low blood counts.  Evidently, this can be normal for years after chemo.  But my local doctor got nervous and sent me to get a CT scan of my spleen and my liver.  Your spleen and liver filter your blood and remove any worn out blood cells.  Turns out that they found cysts on my left kidney. 

Then a few months later the blood is still not good so I was sent to a hematology/oncologist to make sure that I don't have Leukemia.  The new oncologist just took one look at me and a quick blood test and told me that I was fine.

I have had all kinds of suggestions on how to improve my blood.  But the effort is futile.  The chemo has ruined my bone marrow's ability to produce blood cells. It should improve in a year or so, but I met a woman today who is 5 years out of chemo and her blood counts are still low.

I know more about this stuff than I ever wanted to know.

Back by popular demand

Hi!  I have had multiple requests for me to continue my blog into remission.  So, I have decided that I have so much to give back that I will do just that.  I hope that my posts inspire you to be positive through tough times.

Let me catch you up to date:

The last of 6 chemo sessions was April 29th, 2014.  ON May 20th, 2014 a final CT scan declared me NED (no evidence of disease).  Here we are at 6 months post-chemo and I am doing well. 

I will go back to the oncologist the first week of December for them to tell me that I continue to rock NED! 

I have had a few bumps in the road over the past 6 months.  Please stay tuned as I document all of it.

pH and Cancer

Here is a link to a website that discusses that link between your body's pH and cancer.  When I found out that I had cancer I worked hard at getting and maintaining a pH of 7.5 to 8.0.

http://www.cancerfightingstrategies.com/ph-and-cancer.html#sthash.ADgtVnl2.dpbs

I believe that this had a lot to do with my success in putting me into remission so fast.  I also believe that I can do a better job of keeping the cancer from returning if I keep my pH in check.

Forever Changed!

Cancer and its treatment has forever changed my life.  I am a month and a half out of treatment and I feel that everyone thinks I am back to my old self.  I will never be back to my old self.

I am not cured...there is not a cure.  I am in remission.  That means that cancer cells are still present in my body.  I have to remain extremely healthy, stress free and rested to have the best chance of staying in remission.  It is overwhelming to think that only 18% of people with this cancer will live 5 years.  After 5 years that survival rate drops drastically. 

The side effects of chemo and multiple surgeries will last for years.  NOW is when I try to flip my thinking and let the twinges of pain and the scars be a reminder of God's amazing grace. I do look forward to the days when I don't think about cancer, when every ache or pain does not make me think that the cancer is back.  Will I ever be able to forget?

We have all received those encouraging emails that tell us not to take life for granted, to enjoy every second of everyday with the ones that we love...we never know when our last day is on this earth.  So, if I tell you that I love you, I mean it.  I value my life a little more than I did before.  I value the people in my life a lot more than I did before.

Life on this earth is a very tiny spot on our timeline of eternal life.  We are meant to make the most of this life and try to make as big of a positive impact as we are capable of making.

What I Would Do Differently!

I would:

have gone to the doctor sooner to get my hernia repaired.  This is how we found the cancer.  I put that small surgery off for months. I thought I would wait until the weather cooled off a bit so that I would not have to worry about mowing the yard while my stitches healed.  If I had listened seriously to my body the cancer may have been found much sooner before it became stage 4.

have tried to go for more walks during the day.  My job requires long days...taking a break is extremely important.  Walking would have de-stressed me a bit more.  Stress kills and may be the reason I have cancer to begin with.  This opportunity with cancer has made me listen closer to my body and to not feel guilty when I need to say, "enough is enough".

have carried less luggage to Texas every time I went.  I carry entirely too much stuff when I travel. It makes for a more difficult time traveling.  My excuse is that I would never know if I needed to stay in Texas longer due to complications.  When I was at my weakest, I found it tough to deal with the luggage & travel in general.

have written down every single name of the people that treated & cared for me.  I did some of that, but I would like to send each one of them a thank you note.  They were all so kind, respectful and professional.  I know how much it means to me to get a thank you note from a student.  I really does make my day and I want to bless other people in the same way.

have drawn a deeper line in the sand for the negative people in my life.  For the most part I ignored them and thanked them for their opinions, but I really should have limited that instead of trying to help them see the positive side.  It was simply too much work trying to keep everyone moving forward with me. 

have accepted more help.  I did let others mow & cook, but keeping my house clean was difficult for me.  I had offers to clean my house, but I really don't like other people digging through my stuff.  In the big picture what difference would it make if they saw my mess.  I am not that messy or dirty...just saying...

have refused to entertain many of the visitors.  I found myself entertaining them when I should have been resting.  Rest is a HUGE issue when healing from surgeries & cancer treatments.  I try to tough it out like I tend to do everything else, but this is not some thing that you muscle your way through.

What I Would Do the Same!

I would:

keep my struggle very public.  I need the support of UNF, other friends and family.  I am not sure how people go through something so severe and not need other people.  Because everyone knew what I was dealing with they knew how to pray for me, they knew when I needed help, they were able to excuse my confusion from chemo brain...

still get the second opinion.  I feel like I got the best care possible by forgoing Mayo Clinic and by choosing to go to MD Anderson.  Red flags went up when the doctor at Mayo told me that I was stage 3C and he did not need to look into my chest, because he is "just that good".  Just because they are doctors does not mean that they know everything.  If you have questions or concerns then do something about it.  If the doctor gets mad about your questions, then they are NOT the doctor for you.  The most deadly sin in the bible is PRIDE.  That ego could have killed me.

continue to not cover my head.  I have opportunities to witness to people that approach me.  I get to tell them about God's grace in my life.

keep this positive attitude.  Some thought I was ignoring or not properly accepting what I was dealing with.  Oh!  I promise that when you hear the word cancer, you know exactly what you are dealing with.  I have always heard that a positive attitude heals.  So I decided that I am strong enough to put "mind over matter" and I did it.  I was not going to let any of this ruffle me.  I admit I was scared of chemo...for good reason, but I made it.

still continue to work.  I needed to get up and go to work instead of lying around the house.  I was productive and still very helpful to my students.  It kept me from thinking about myself.  Sure, there were days that I did not feel well, but it was worth it.  As a leader I try to set a good example.  Many think that staying home to rest is what I needed to do, but I disagree in my case.  I love my job and sitting at a computer and on the phone did not hurt me one bit.  I did slow down and delegate a lot of work. I quit doing any public speaking, because it does tire me out.

still show my daughter how to stay calm, but still fight and remain strong in the face of a challenge.  Although I want everyone to learn from me...it is my daughter that I most want to impact. 

Progress!

I am making progress with my healing.  I am still a little tired with some joint pain.  But I am getting back into the swing of life and enjoying the little bit of new energy that I gain everyday.

My hair has not started growing back, yet.  A little girl in the airport screamed when she saw me.  This was just two days ago.  The poor thing must have thought I was a monster.  It does not hurt my feelings.  In general some people really do not know how to deal with anyone that has a type of handicap.  I am not saying that a bald head is a handicap, but it is an obvious health issue that people are not used to seeing on a woman.

I can tell you that I am blessed everyday because of this bald head.  People that have dealt with cancer in some way will recognize that chemo noggin.  So they rush up to me to give me a hug of encouragement or to talk about their experience.  You have no idea how wonderful that is. It also give me the opportunity to talk about God's miracle in my life. 

From the Doctor's Mouth to My Ears

It was so GREAT to hear the doctor tell me that there are NO signs of cancer!

I had triple contrast CT scans on Monday and yesterday I met with the oncologist.  I have to go back for CT scans every three months.

Very few people go through stage 4 cancer the way that I did.  I will always give God the glory for this miracle.  It was supposed to take me 4 to 5 years to get through this...IF I could get through it.  

I asked the doctor, if he had to guess, how long would he think I have had cancer.  He said that he likes to ask people what major event happened 4 years ago in their life.  I told him that my husband died 3 & 1/2 years ago.  He stated that was a large enough event to possibly cause this cancer for me.  He thinks it is a strong possibility that stress has caused this cancer.

He went on to tell me about a new study that one of his colleagues just finished with mice & stress & cancer.  He has been able to prove that mice with cancer cells in their body can fight the cancer if stress is removed and the ones with the stress added to their body develop cancer.

It is a huge stretch for an oncologist to tell a patient that they will not see the cancer return...if I stay positive, take care of my body & try to remain stress free.  That is what our final conversation was about. 

***please watch my blog for the next few weeks or so, I plan to post some reflections on what I would do differently & what decisions worked out to be the best***

Put Away the Big Guns!

The chemo treatments that I have received are considered the "Big Guns" of chemo.  This is a standard treatment for "Front-Line" chemo (first treatment).  If the cancer recurs then the doctor said that he would use more targeted therapies.  At this point many people hope to get into a clinical trial. 

Chemo stays in your body for quite some time and many patient report lingering side effects for up to 2 years.  Some side effects are permanent.  I hope the neuropathy in my fingers and toes goes away soon.

Since I am claiming myself as cured, I am not worried about a recurrence.  I just have to shake off that very LAST chemo treatment that I had two weeks ago.



 

Neulasta Is A Wicked Drug

If you think that chemo is rough...it is!  But it does not hold a candle to Neulasta.  This injection was given in my belly fat to increase my white blood cell count.  (I think I already told you that)

I was unprepared for the type of pain that was suggested I MIGHT have.

6 days after that shot I woke up to some serious pain, but I had no idea it would get worse.  I had to text my daughter to come take me to the ER.  I took a big ol' wonderful pain pill and waited.  By the time my daughter got back here, I was feeling a good bit better.  Then I made the mistake of letting the pain pill wear off.

The next day was not as painful, but the pain had spread to more bones:  my lower back, sternum, thighs, knees, arms, elbows, wrists and upper back.  I still needed pain pills.

The third day is much better, as I was able to get up and go to work.  I have very little pain as long as I do not stand up fast or lean over.  It seems that when my blood pressure changes the pain throbs through my body.  It is most scary when my chest hurts.  Some research indicates that all of this is normal.  It seems that many patients go to the hospital thinking they are having a heart attach. 

The most deadly issue is if the spleen swells and ruptures.  I have been pushing on that area and I don't seem to have a problem with my spleen.

The blessing is that my daughter stayed in bed with me all day.  Even better, she had a little precious kitten with her.  How can you be miserable with all of that curled up in bed with you.  It made terrible pain into one of the best days of my life.

I Spoke Too Soon

Wow!  The bone pain started this morning.  This is going to be a seriously rough day.  I need a nail to bight on.  Wow!

This too shall pass...I hope!

It Is Not Over Until It Is Over!

I am still trying to get through the effects of this last treatment.  I am not sure if the Neulasta injection is what is dragging me down or if my very low blood counts are doing it.  I am struggling to get my feet under me.  I am o.k. and feeling only slightly better each day.  As usual, the third day after chemo was the worst.

It would be ironic if I survive an incurable cancer and then die of an infection.  Infection is the biggest concern at this point.  Chemo really tears down your body's defenses.

I get CT scans in three weeks to confirm that there are not any signs of cancer.  I have been claiming cured and thanking God without 100% proof.  I am absolutely positive that the doctor is going to tell me that I am NED (no evidence of disease).  I am absolutely positive that this cancer is NOT coming back.  I don't care what medicine says about this type of cancer.  I am claiming a miracle.    

Amazing!

My oncologist kept saying that this morning.  He told me to stay happy and keep that great attitude.  I told him that I am considering myself cured of stage IV cancer.  The doctors will not tell me that I am cured.  They just say that I am NED (no evidence of disease)

I have my last chemo today.  I will get an injection of growth factor directly after the chemo.  This will encourage my bone marrow to produce more blood cells.  This is done because all of my blood counts are still a little low and this chemo will bring them down further.

The growth factor is said to cause great pain in the big bones of the body.  I think that I am prepared with pain medicine.  I hope that the flight home in extreme pain works out tomorrow.

So, now, I work through the side effects of these last drugs and I get on with life.

What Do I Want Out of This?

I really do not want you all to be scared if  you hear a doctor say the "C" word.  Although it is a tough road, you can do this too.  I have needed a lot of help to get through it, but I am facing the end of this challenge.

Don't feel sorry for yourself. 

It is honoring to be chosen to show the world how blessed you are. 

It is humbling to see how loved & appreciated your are. 

It is staggering to know how many are with you.

It is loving to reach out to others that are going through the same thing.

It is exciting to know that you are paving a road for others.

It is overwhelming to realize that you have received a miracle.

God has made all of this possible for me.  If you ask, he will make it possible for you too.

Ultimately, I want you to see & feel & know what I have experienced.  I want you to be honored & loved & humbled the same way I have.  I want you to know what it is like to be lifted up to God in prayer and to know what is like when you realize the amazing power of God.

Blood Results Are In!

Dadgumit!  My white blood count is 1.7 and it needs to be at least 3.0.  My Neuraphyl level is 298 it needs to be at least 1500.

"Neutrophils are a type of white blood cell that protects your body from infections. Without enough neutrophils, your body can’t fight against bacteria. "

Doctors are telling me to be extremely careful.  I am not allowed to be in any crowds and I am supposed to wash my hands frequently.

The chemo will most likely be postponed for two weeks this time.  One of my doctors told me that one week was not enough to get my blood back to where I need it for chemo.  

I was really frustrated when I got the news, but I have picked myself up and dusted myself off.  I am just looking for the positives here.

I have already talked to my boss about working reduced hours next week.  The only thing that helps in this case is rest.

Waiting on Blood Results

I am waiting to find out if my White Blood Cell count is good enough for my last chemo.  

I am anxious for the last chemo.  I try not to think about the needle going into my arm and the sick feeling I will get while all 8 bags of chemicals are being dripped into me. I try not to think about the week in bed afterwards. 

I pray that this is the last time I ever have to do this.  The reality is that this cancer is very dangerous and returns in less than 5 years for 82% of patients.  It returns in places worse than I have already had it.  It shows up in the liver and the bones.  Typically, it does not go to the brain, but it has for some women. 

Since the doctors keep telling me how unique I am...I expect that I will never see this cancer again.

I will hold my head up, no matter what happens.
 

Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

I don't see myself as a cancer patient.  I know I can say that I am, but I don't see it that way. I can feel the pain, nausea & exhaustion, but I don't feel like it has been as life threatening as it really has been.  I can see the toll that my cancer is taking on those around me...the worry & fear, but I don't worry so much about it.

I can tell you that I am sick of Cancer being such a huge part of my life.  I don't mind talking about it or sharing my experiences.

When my husband died so tragically, for the first year after, I felt like his death was my life.  There was so much to deal with and so many people missed him.  I had to learn to live life without him.

Now, I have to learn to live life differently once again.  I have to learn to calm the heck down and to take care not to allow so much stress into my life.  I am sorry that this is a recurring theme in my blog, but it has to be my new normal or I will be back in a mess with this cancer, again. 

More Lessons to be Learned

I am so blessed that I really should not complain.  I am done.  I am ready to feel good again.

Whether this is right or not, I tend to think that others have it so much worse than I do.  I feel sorry for people that have cancer and that they have to go through such horrible treatment.  I did not realize how tough it was until I had to deal with it.

From the first day I have thanked God for the challenge.  I beg him to help me see the grace, lessons and miracles along the way.  I certainly hope that it has made me a better person.  I hope that I am more compassionate toward people that are going through struggles.

I tend to think that everyone should be able to work like I do.  I think that everyone should have the passion that I have.  I think that everyone should have that ability to smile through diversity.  My thoughts are simply not fare to others.  Everyone handles things based on their own capacity & ability.  Sometimes a driven person like me may put a lot of unnecessary expectation/stress on myself and on others.

Fighting the Good Fight

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."  E. E. Cummings

Blood Test Results

I forgot to tell you all about my blood test results.

My Cancer Antigen CA125 is at 12.5.  This is great news and the lowest it has been since I started this journey. 

My White Blood Cell Count is just barely normal.  But there are parts of my blood count that are weak. 

I am scheduled for my last chemo in a few weeks and I really want my blood to be good.  I have to eat right and get a lot more rest. 

I hope that Easter candy is on the list of eating right.  Well!  What do you expect?  This is the only time of year that I can get Starburst Jellie Beans...and sugar is the worst thing you can do for cancer.  Sugar actually feeds cancer.

Words From the Wise

A dear friend, psychiatrist and all around amazing person read my last blog post.  She took note that I am too tired at the end of the day to exercise.  That prompted her to call me and insist that I am doing too much.  Those of you that know me, know that she is right.  I am 150 miles per hour all of the time.

This friend has survived cancer and ran a cancer support group for 5 years.  She told me that when she looked at the patients that did not survive, they all had the same thing in common.  They did not get rid of the stress in their lives.

I am a type A personality and don't know how to function if I don't have about 10 things going at one time.  I have to figure out how to take it easy, learn how to just be a bit more laid back and simply chill out.  

For me, this is tougher than fighting cancer.  I feel guilty if I do too much sitting around.  But if you saw me the week after chemo, you would see that I do take it easy...I don't have a choice.  Any extra activity or stress just makes me more nauseated.  Yuk!  But then I make up for it between chemo sessions.  I mow the yard, play around in the flower beds, clean house, etc...  Does this sound familiar to you Moms out there?

Maybe we seem to have more instances of Cancer because our life styles are becoming faster paced with a lot more stress.  We have to stop judging people that know how to take care of themselves.  I used to call that selfish, but now I see that it is not.  It is just common sense.  You can be very giving with something else, but selfish with your ME time. 

I am a work in progress. 

Another One Down Successfully!

I made it through another chemo.  Woo Hoo!  This one was easy.  It only took 6 hours, but when they start my chemo at 4:30pm I don't get out until 10:30pm.  That makes for a long day.

It was funny, because I had to show the nurse that she had to start the needle just above the cat scratch on my arm.  She looked at me funny, but did not say anything.  My cat plays rough sometimes, what can I say.

Although the chemo was easy, the after effect was not.  It felt like I had the flu for 5 days.  My symptoms are getting less severe each time.

Don't stop praying, now.  You all have gotten me this far.  Let's finish this with a blast.     

What is going on?

My blood finally tested good enough for my next chemo.  I am so excited to keep moving forward with my treatment.  I am not excited for the sickness after, but I will take it.

I get chemo later this week.  I can't wait to see my doctors smiling at me and wondering why the heck I am doing so well.

I have healed completely from the surgery and am considering an exercise routine.  The problem is that after a day of work my energy level is as low as it can get.  I struggle just feeding myself at the end of the day.

I am not complaining, just explaining what I go through.

Caregivers

When you go through a major health issue you really need a caregiver to drive you to appointments.  I am always so strong that I feel like I could travel on my own.  But some medical centers will not let you leave unless you have someone with you.

My mother has traveled with me the majority of the time.  What a blessing she has been.  She is so positive and prays constantly.  We have sat in the hotel room many times and have taken turns praying.  If that does not lift you up, nothing will.

A mother's love can not be compared to any other love.  I am so blessed to have that in my life.

My father passed away just a few months before I found out that I had cancer.  My mother was my father's caregiver.  The last 10 years of his life were horrible with Parkinson's disease and dementia and my mother cared for him with dignity & grace.  Of course, I wish my father were here, but only if he could be healthy.  If my father were still here then my mother would not have the time to devote to me.

Pray for my mother as she continues to find the strength to be my best friend and caregiver.

What Happens When WBC is LOW

When my white blood cell (WBC) is too low, chemo has to be postponed.  They really do not want to keep tearing my body down when it is already down.  There is a shot that I can get every day until my WBC improves.  The doctor would prefer that my body do the work on its own.

Your blood cell are manufactured in your bone marrow.  Any shot that they give me comes with a price, extreme bone pain.  I am willing to endure the pain if that is what I have to do, but waiting on my body to do its job has worked before.

The most frustrating part is that when an appointment changes, I have to change air tickets, hotel reservations and my ground transportation.  I have done this so much that I expect it and spend about an hour getting everything changed.  My caregiver has to also change her plans.

My Fur is Falling Out!

I look like I have mange like what a dog might get.  My soft fuzz is falling out in patches.  I shaved my head, but you can still see the patches.  I really don't care if I look ridiculous, but seriously, I look ridiculous.

When you go through something so dangerous as stage IV cancer, you care less about the stuff that really does not matter.  I have always let the little stuff bother me.  I still have a few things that I can't let go of, but I hope that I am better about the rest of it.

As my neighbor reminds me, "Let Go & Let God"!

Wise advice.

White Blood Cell Count

I need prayer, please.  My white blood cell count is at an all time low.  You all know how disappointed I get when my chemo or surgery gets pushed out for this reason.  So, I immediately started looking for the blessings and what to thank God for.  I figured it out.  If I had stayed on track with my chemo I would miss all of the Easter celebration at church like I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas.  With the new dates for the postponed chemo, I will feel well enough to celebrate.

The condition I am in, now, means that I have to stay away from crowds and sick people.

Woo Hoo!

Hair & Nails

Have you ever heard that you can tell a lot about a person by their hair?  Scientists can analyze a strand of hair and can determine if there are any chemical changes in a person's body.  They can also estimate when the change took place.

See this slideshow on WebMD.  http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/ss/slideshow-nails-and-health

My toe nails got a very deep ridge in them.  I could trace it back to the time that my husband passed away.  Now, my toe nails have multiple slight ridges that I can place at the point in time that I got each chemo treatment.

I wonder if my hair or nails had signs that I had cancer along and I just did not notice.   The slideshow that I have linked indicates many diseases that could be predicted based on the condition of you nails.

Just another thing that makes me wonder.

What are we waiting on!

I am so ready for my next chemo.  I just hope my blood is ready.  I have continuous problems with my white blood cell count.  They could give me a shot to help my bone marrow produce more blood cells.  This injection cause extreme bone pain and other side effects.  We want my bones to naturally manufacture what my body needs.  We will use the injections as a last resort.

Believe me I have been on-line trying to find a food, vitamin or supplement that would help my white blood count.  I got permission to take vitamin Bs.  They said that if it helped everyone then they would prescribe it to everyone.  I have to eat a lot of protein, which is difficult for me.  This time of year, there are so many beautiful fruits and vegetables available...I love them.

Any vitamins & supplements that I take must be approved by my pharmacist.  Many things interfere with the chemo.

Bucket List!

My cousin wants me to post more about where I am, now...from where I started.  Val, thanks for the suggestions.

How has my bucket list changed?  I am a list maker.  I make lists of my goals; short-term and long-term.  I go back to those lists every year and mark off what I have accomplished, even if I have only partially accomplished something.  I count every success.  I don't go out of my way to fulfill this bucket list.  In many cases it just happens.

I write things on my list like: places I want to go, books I want to write, knowledge I want to gain, and even physical goals.  I reach for the stars and write down things that in a million years I would never be able to accomplish.  You would be surprised at the power of self-fulfilling prophecy.  I never really thought that I would go to India, China or Austria...but this little small town girl has been there. 

I am going to double down on my goal writing.  I have an even stronger sense of urgency to go and do and see..to tell people that I love and appreciate them...to let people know they are stronger than they can imagine...to help others see the that the glass is completely full and running over.

Welcome Back!

My colleagues at work keep saying this to me, "Welcome Back".  I tell them, "but I have been at work other than when I am sick the week after chemo.  It dawned on me today that they mean "welcome back from the edge of death".

What an amazing thing to think about.  I guess it has not sunk in that I am a cancer survivor.  And this was not just any cancer...it was a very vicious, highly aggressive cancer. 

I hope that I have set an example of how to face diversity with Grace.  My daughter has been my inspiration.  She needs a strong example of how to carry ones self through tragedy.

My sister keeps reminding me that I have fought this battle completely alone.  I told her that I have everyone at the university, at church, my family & friends...I am not alone.  She said, "no, I mean, alone...no spouse or significant other to help take care of me".  I refer her back to my earlier post about needing to know that I am strong enough to do this.  God is sufficient!  

Managing Your Own Care!

Let me tell you about a few instances where I had to straighten out my health care in spite of my fabulous medical team.

During my first Chemo Treatment I found out that Benadryl makes me want to climb the walls.  "No problem", the nurse tells me.  She will document in my file and next time I will get a Rx strength Claritin.  So my second Chemo comes around, again.  I remind the doctors about the problem and they will order the Claritin when they order my Chemo cocktails.  But when I crawled in the Chemo bed they showed me a big bad of Benedryl all ready to be emptied into my veins.  I had to make a big deal out of it, to get them to stop.  My allergic reaction could likely be worse than the first one.

This last time I received chemo, the first nurse of the day wrote down my weight wrong.  I think I told you about that.  I had to pick up the phone and call my doctor's cell phone (he should not have given me his number if he did not want me to use it) and have him sign new orders.

Let me step up on my soap box for a minute:

We are all smart, strong and capable.  Stop letting others run your life.  We do not need the government telling us how to live.  Ask questions and do research so that you know what is going on around you. When I found out I had cancer, several of my friends and family jumped in and helped me with research.  I knew what doctors I should go to, I knew what drugs I should get, I found a chat room of other ovarian cancer patients, and I have prevented problems because I speak up and stay on top of my healthcare.

The Way My Life Has Changed!

When I found out I had cancer I put much of my life on hold.  After all, no one thought I would live long enough to see things through to completion.

I would even find myself making decisions not to buy clothes when shopping with my daughter.  I simply did not know if I would ever get a chance to enjoy them.  It did not make me sad or anything like that.  It was just a fact that I accepted.

I was living life one day at a time and enjoying every day.

Now, I am looking further into the future, again.  I find myself wondering what new door will be opened and what old door might be closed.

What Made the Difference This Time?

Although this most recent chemo took 9 hours and I got sick right away...all-in-all the sickness was easier.

I think I have the cure for post-chemo illness.  My daughter stayed in bed with me all day.  She did homework and research on the computer while I slept.  I would wake up and have a conversation with her and take another nap.  She never left my side.

I have to say that was probably one of the best days of my life.  I felt like I had an angel watching over me.

"Meeting Diversity with Courage"

A precious friend gave me an article to read that really touched my soul.  I know that you all need a reminder as much as I do.  Here is an excerpt from that article.

"Job experienced extreme pressures. Imagine how he felt when everything in his life seemed to go wrong. (Job 3:3, 11) Making matters worse, he did not fully understand why all those things happened to him. Still, he never gave up. He maintained his integrity and his faith in God. (Read Job 27:5.) What a fine example for us to imitate!"

Challenges can be permitted in our lives to undermine our faith in God.  We frequently hear, "how can a good and just God let this happen to me?"   Because we grow when we are tested and pass the test.  I personally tend to look for the things that I can be thankful for in a bad situation. 

"We need to focus on positive things. God’s Word tells us: “A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.” (Prov. 15:13) Medical researchers have long recognized the curative value of positive thinking. Many patients given sugar pills (placebos) have experienced relief of symptoms simply because they thought they were getting help. The opposite, called the nocebo effect, has also been demonstrated. Patients’ health deteriorated simply because they were told that a drug would have negative effects. Constantly dwelling on situations we cannot change may only tear us down. On the positive side, God does not give us “sugar pills.” Rather, even in times of disaster, he gives real help through the encouragement found in his Word, our support system, and the strength provided by the holy spirit. Focusing on these things will lift us up. Instead of dwelling on negative events, do what is practical to cope with each problem and focus on the positive aspects of your life.

—Prov. 17:22."

So, What Did the Doctor Say?

This was the first time I have seen my doctor since surgery.

The CA125 cancer markers is down to 21 - normal.  I am so excited about that.  However, this does not mean the cancer is completely gone, but it is a huge indicator that it is close.  The doctor said that I have healed from surgery beautifully.  So, I have two more sessions of chemo left and then CT scans to confirm that nothing has changed.  I will then be declared NED - No Evidence of Disease.

He told me that there are likely still cancer cells in me, but since they can not detect them they can not treat them.  That is what makes this cancer so dangerous.

He told me to keep up the amazing attitude.  I have never seen this doctor smile so much.  He just could not stop smiling.  He has never met anyone quite like me.  But, seriously, who has?

It's Not Easy Being Cheesy

I know that I sound all positive, but believe me it is tough sometimes.  

Chemo turned into a 9 hour ordeal this time.  Someone recorded my weight wrong and the pharmacist filled my prescription for the I.V. chemo based on that weight.  By the time we got everything straightened out I ended up sick during my chemo session.  

Through all of this I got a huge complement from the nurse.  She told me that she had been telling all of the other staff how wonderful I was about the fiasco.  I found myself  encouraging the nurse.  

Things happen for a reason.  I was unclear why I had to be in chemo until 10pm, but it is all good in the end.  

Weekend of Work!

I have always heard that work is good for the soul.  I am so thrilled to have spent a weekend in the yard. 

My passion is doing yard work.  It is so rewarding to step back and see everything cut, edged and trimmed.  Then it starts all over the next weekend. 

Less than a month after surgery and I am out in the yard.  The neighbors had a fit and came over to do it for me.  You should see what all they did.  I still can't believe they all dropped everything and came over like they did.

Mixed Emotions

I am human!  I do get scared and worry, but not normally about myself.  I must admit that I am feeling a bit anxious about this next chemo.  I know that 3 days later, I will be "sick as a dog". 

I am willing to do this the rest of my life if it means that none of you have to do it.  SERIOUSLY!

On the positive side, I can't wait to see my doctors and nurses.  I can't wait to remind them again, that I am not a miracle...they are just witnessing one.  I am nothing special...God is.  I am not lucky...it is answered prayer. 

My healing is nothing but a full-on in-your-face Miracle! 

The People We Meet Along the Way!

We?  You may wonder who this other person or people are that are with me.  My precious Sister, Daughter or Mother accompany me to every single appointment.  I have not had to travel alone throughout any of this.

There is a service called the Houston Ground Angels.  They are a group of volunteers that pick up cancer patients at the airport and take them to their hotel.  They also take us back to the airport when we get ready to leave.

There is one precious Angle named Ruth Ann that has touched my heart.  She has picked us up more than once.  The last time we were in Houston was for my surgery she picked us up.  She then asked if we wanted to a tour.  We spent hours together.  We went to lunch & then to Trader Joes (you gotta go to one of these stores).  I also found out that she is a quite a character.  We had such a blast with her.  Come to find out that her daughter passed away almost a year ago with the exact same thing that I have been fighting.  I am not sure if I helped replace her daughter for the day.

I have also gotten to know another Angel named Claudia.  Since she felt comfortable with us after several trips, she decided to bring her Jack Russel Terrier on the last trip that she drove for us.  Tuffy was his name and he was a busy little thing.  Cancer has also touched her family.

Every Angel that has picked us up has had some kind of story about cancer in their life.  They have seen how horrible this disease can be and want to help in anyway that they can.  They sure are a blessing in my life.

"We Have Such a Good Time!"

I caught myself describing my sojourn with cancer in this way.  Who does that?...ME!

Certainly, I have hurt, I have been sick and I have been tested.  However, as a whole, I am enjoying the biggest part of it, the people that God puts in my path. 

How much fun can you have in the chemo bed for 6 hours watching a chemical slowly drip into your veins when you know that in three days you are going to be sicker than you have ever been in your entire life.  Well, I can have a lot of fun.  The nurses tend to want to stay in my room and hang out.  I end up telling some of my crazy stories and we are laughing with tears in our eyes.

One evening when the doctor decided to release me from the hospital the nurse stood in the hall with her bottom lip out as my sister and I left.  She had hopes that I would spend the night during her shift.  What a living doll this gal was.  We carried on so much in my room, I thought they were going to kick me out.

There was a time that I was checking into the chemo center and a little old man stood up, grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen bald, besides my wife".  You know that little man made my day.  Although I do not have any insecurities about my bald head, he did not know that.

So much fun, is yet to be had.  I can't wait!

Making A Difference Every Day!

I talked earlier about the 4 hour shopping trip that should have taken 1 hour.  People kept stopping me to talk about cancer.  What a blessing!  When I finally finished my shopping and got in my car...I could not stop smiling.
 
Wow!  I can not tell you how it feels when you realize that you just made a difference. I get that with my job every day.  When a student has a problem and I am able to help fix it or guide them to a better conclusion, then I have made a difference.  I know that my staff gets that same feeling when they have done the same thing.  I hear it in their voices and see it on their faces when they are talking about their students.

We have the most amazing conversations on the shuttle bus that takes us from the hotel to the medical center.  Remember that everyone on the bus has cancer or is a caregiver for someone that has cancer.  One day, I promised a man from Kuwait that I would pray for him.  His son had to translate, but the look on his face was priceless when he realized what I had said.  I wanted to hug him, but was unsure of his cultural belief in that area.  

I hope that when I talk to someone about my cancer I have made a difference.  Maybe they are more aware of a person's struggles with this disease.  Maybe they are more aware of what faith in a powerful God means.  Maybe they see an example of a person that is very happy, even in the face of diversity.  Maybe they see a person that is passionate about others.  Maybe they see ME!

The "C" Word!

The bald head gets a lot of attention.  What should be a 1 hour shopping trip turned into 4 hours, because so many people stop to ask about what I am, clearly, going through.

If you know me, then you know that I am extremely shy...just kidding.  I will talk to a rock.  But seriously, I am thrilled to share my story.  I have met so many people that want to talk to me about their battle with cancer.  They want to tell me that they are proud that I don't cover my head.  They want someone to tell them that they are going to be o.k. too.  They want to show me their support.  There seems to be a bond between cancer patients. 

I try so hard to lift them up.  The "C" word scares the heck out of a lot of people.

I keep playing the very wise words of my husband over and over in my head.  There was a time in my life that I was upset about something or the other.  He asked me, "where is all this faith that you say you have?"  Wow!  I do talk about my faith in God.  I have faith that he is there for me.  I pray to him about my troubles, among other things.  Then why am I crying about it?  Where is my faith?

After he said that to me, I have always remembered how I felt when he made me realize that I talked the talk, but I was not walking the walk.

Surgically Induced Menopause

No one warned me that I would be plunged into menopause overnight.  I guess when the doctors remove your estrogen producing parts, it makes a difference.

Yep!  Hot flashes, can't sleep and a desire to kill or be killed... are what menopause is all about. 

A phone call to the oncologist does no good what-so-ever.  Hormone replacement therapy is not an option for ovarian cancer survivors.  It is a strong possibility that hormones play a role in the onset of the cancer, to begin with. 

There are natural alternatives out there, but some are shown to interfere with chemo therapy.  When I started this adventure my pharmacist (yep, I have my own that is assigned to my case) took me off of many of my vitamins and minerals for that exact reason.

So, what do I do?  They prescribe anti-anxiety drugs or anti-depressants.  I told them that I was not anxious or depressed.  But they assured me that society would be a better place if I took something.  We will see...

The Lab Tests Are In!

The post surgical lab test on the parts that were removed did show some cancer.

Right ovary - tumor size 4 cm
Left ovary - tumor size 5 mm
Right fallopian tube - tumor size 6 mm

So, dissection and microscopes found what the surgeons did not see.  Not as exciting as "no cancer", but still something worth celebrating.

Recovery

Recovery from surgery, to have a few parts removed, is going well.  My boss was brilliant enough to get tough with me and order me to work from home last week (as I was able).  He knows that I like to be at work "come hell or high water".  He does not yell, but he almost came close. 

I know, you all are jealous that I have such a fabulous boss.  You should be.  Believe me, he knows how to get work out of me, but he also knows when to tell me to shut it down. 

Anyway, back to me, I am still a little sore and can not move really fast, but I am upright.  It is tough to roll over in bed  and to squat & pull weeds in the flower beds...what?...why am I pulling weeds in the flower beds?  Oh!  I have to do a little something every time I walk to the mail box in my Pajamas.  Now, you know why my boss has to get tough with me. 

 

Well, I Got My Sponge Bath!

I am warning you...this may be gross.

Evidently, I was in recovery for more than a few hours.  I simply do not remember.  But I do remember the evening in my hospital room.

Sooooo, you know how you have the dry-est mouth when you wake up from surgery.  They give you ice chips to suck on so that you do not take too much into your stomach.  They even provide plenty of medication to keep the nausea down.

The nurse helped me to the restroom one time and showed me how to unhook everything so that I could do it myself.  She then tells me that I did not pee enough.  What the heck...I thought that meant I needed to drink those ice chips as they melt so that I could get more fluids through me.

At this point, you would have to imagine vomit of biblical proportions.  I am not sure how it all happened so fast, but I ended up standing naked in the middle of the hospital room with vomit dripping off of the top of my head.  I was shivering and hanging onto my I.V. pole.  The poor nurse was also covered in it.

I apologized to the poor sweet nurse about 20 times.  I probably should not have been laughing about it, but it was so funny.