The State of Cheryl

My daughter and I just got back from a two day trip to MD Anderson in Houston, Texas.  I blood tests and CT scans of my pevis, abdomen & chest.  This is the triple contrast test that I just love so much.  I have to drink the contrast, have it put in through I.V. and enema.  The results absolutely floored me.

They consider the cancer to be stable.   I had to keep asking if they had the right test results for the right person, because my pain level has increased so much that I thought the disease had increased so much.  My last physical exam resulted in a very concerned gynocologist with the much larger tumors that he felt.  It turns out that what he felt was a shift in tumors because of increase fluid pressing down on the tumors and putting in a place that he could identify better.

There is a slight increase in the size of some of my lymph nodes, but tumors are not changing much.

So, we stay the course.  We continue with the same chemo.

Doctors are exstactic over this news.

Good Grief!

I have been thinking a lot about my last post.  I stated that I am not grieving, but after much thought I think that I am grieving the loss of my future life.  Primarily, this is about my daughter.  As I get things in order I think about my daughter going through the steps to follow my directions.

With me, 75% of my battle is figuring out what is going on.  Once I figure it out I know how to pray and how to put myself in a position to manage the thoughts and feelings.

My biggest concern is how all of this is affecting my daughter.

This may call for a little bit of counseling to get over this hump.

Why Me?

I think that I have discussed this throughout this blog.  But it is something that I find myself explaining to people from time to time.

Some people have suggested that I have done something bad in my life to deserve cancer.  Frankly, we are all sinners.  I resist comparing my life to others and proving that I am not so bad.  We may never know why God allows things to happen to us.  I think that many, many people are in a desperate search for the answer.  This is where strong faith is needed.  I believe that God is using me in a very special way.  I know that I make a difference in other people's lives because of this cancer.

Those of us that believe in the death of Jesus Christ on the cross know that Jesus did not deserve to bare our sins.  He paid the price for all of us without exception.  There are consequences for our actions, but we are forgiven because of Christ's actions.

I will reiterate again that I am blessed with cancer.  I have been chosen to bare this burden and set an example of how to adore God through it all.  Granted, you all don't see the evenings that I cry because I am tired of the battle.  I called in my prayer warriors just last night to help strengthen me through a rough spot.

I have been asked if I get angry about my cancer.  For some reason, I have not been angry at all.  I know that anger is part of the grieving process, but I have not seen this as something to grieve over.

There are so many people that have it so much worse than I do.  I am blessed.

It Is What It Is!

Everyone is wondering how I am doing with the possible big increase in the growth of my cancer.  (do you notice that I own the cancer, as in "my cancer"...not sure why I do that.  Maybe because it is part of me)  I really am not excited about it.  I get sick of dealing with it, but I know I am ready for the next phase.

"God does not give us more than we can handle."  How many times have you heard that?  Of course, I believe it, but there are days that I wonder.  Most of the time, I am able to put it in God's hands.  The issue is that I can't go a minute without thinking about it.  Cancer is so widespread in my body and it is such a huge part of me that it is hard to forget about, especially when the pain is getting worse.

I can lye flat on my back and feel the tumors in my belly.  They feel hard and are everywhere.  Some of them hurt when I press on them.  As far as the lymph nodes go, I only can feel two in my neck.  They feel like they have remained the same size.  Other lymph nodes are so far internally that I can't feel them.

Anyway, I am o.k. with the changes.  It motivates me to continue getting my affairs in order.

Breathe Easy!

I meant to update you all on the report from my pulmonologist.  I am excited to report at this time that my lungs continue to clear of fluid.  This is a good indication that the chemo is working on some of my cancer.  Maybe the cancer in my lymph nodes is showing some improvement.

It feels so good to take a deep breath.  I feel so sorry for anyone that has breathing problems.  You really do need oxygen to survive.  I think the most uncomfortable I have been is when my lungs were full of fluid.

I know one thing for sure...no one knows why my body does half the stuff it does.

You Never Know!

"You will never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left."

This quote hit close to home.  I have always looked at people with extreme physical challenges and I would tell myself that I could never do what they do.  How do they handle having surgery, drains, medications that make them sick, house bound for months, etc...  I am one of those people, now, and I am digging deep for my strength.

I imagine what it was like to get out and do anything that I wanted to do.  I decline more invitations to go do stuff than you can imagine.  My precious neighbors catch me doing stuff that I should not do and they run over to rescue me from myself.   I have a very strong will.  The issue is that too much activity sets me back a bit and I wind up in bed in pain and trying to recover.

So, this is all about mental strength as well as physical strength.  As I look back over my life, I can see that I have been in the process of preparation for this battle.

My Daughter

There is nothing that gets to my heart like my beautiful daughter.  She turned 21 years old this weekend.  I still don't think she is ready to handle losing me to cancer.  As we move forward with treatment and watch this cancer evolve into a dangerous disease that is getting harder to fight, we struggle more emotionally.  

I have so many offers from wonderful women that will be there for my daughter when I can't be.  There is none better than my identical twin sister or my own mother to step in.  But they are not me.  They are not the SILLY that I work so hard to bring into her life.  I try to stretch her imagination and even her reality.  Then I teach her to put a silly twist on the situation and laugh about it.

Look for the grace and blessings.  They are always there.  When I am sick and crying my daughter can lean over the bed and make me laugh through my tears.  The grace may look like something small, but it is something huge in the big picture of the situation.

When you are stressed...please slow down and start asking yourself what good could possibly come out of the situation.  It is there, even in horrible tradgedy.

New Growth!

I called the oncologist a few days ago about the new increase in pain that I am experiencing.  We decided that my gynocologist was the best option to rule out a Urinary Tract Infection.  This particular Doctor has remained very involved in my treatment.  MD Anderson sends him all of my records.  When I need some preliminary tests run, this local doctor does it without questions.  Dr. Robert Dupree in St. Augustine cares deeply for all of his patients, not just me.

Thursday, a physical exam turned up that I have tumor on the top of my bladder that is about the size of a lemon.  He could also feel  a few much larger tumors higher in my abdomen.  Thus the pain.  No UTI!

Monday I see my pulmonologist to determine if my lungs are still stable.  The fluid build up really wrecks the quality of my life.  So, I will get up bright and early tomorrow, get an x-ray and see Dr. Husain.

Later tomorrow, I have to contact both oncologists at Moffitt in Tampa and at MD Anderson in Houston, to let them know about the sudden changes in tumor size.

This means that the chemo will be changed.  Ugh!  It is tough to get used to new chemicals in my body, but I will get it done.  I feel strong enough and ready for the next phase of this battle.

More Amazing Acts Of Kindness!

Some special soul put flags along my front front flowerbeds and left two vases of red, white & blue mums.  I was so shocked when I opened the front door and saw all of my patriotic decorations.  I just love it.

I don't know who my special flower fairy is, but God knows.  As I pray for God to bless this special person, I know that God is listening.   This is true grace that I am getting to experience.

We experience grace everyday to be citizens of the United States of America.

I am free to seek the medical treatment of my choice because of the people that felt so much love for our freedom that they will risk their lives for our country.  I have options because of these people.  I have the freedom to travel to the medical center of my choice because of these brave people.

Most importantly, we are free to worship and study our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.  Ask a missionary that has been to China, Korea or the Middle East.  The people there are jailed or executed for worshipping the one true God.

I hope you all had a safe holiday, but I really hope that you are thanking God for our freedom and are asking him to give our leadership dicernment to make the right decisions to keep our freedom in place.