New Battery Of Test!

After every three chemo treatments I have to go through blood tests and CT scans of my pelvis, abdomen & chest.  This is to determine if the chemo is working.

I had the latest tests on Monday and met with my oncologist on Tuesday.

I have to admit that I cried when I got the test results.  I did not cry because I was happy or sad.  I can only say that it was just a release of so many emotions.

The results are...no change in many of my tumors and lymph nodes.  There is some reduction in size in many more of the lymph nodes and tumors.  The peritoneal cancer also has not changed.  The best part of these results is that the cancer is not getting worse and there is no new growth.

I have to go for three more months of chemo and then CT scans again.  So thankful that I am not a candidate for surgery, yet.  I do not think that I or my family are ready for that, right now.
 
Our prayer is that this chemo cocktail continues to work, even if it is working slowly.

Two Days of Normal!

I am not sure why, but on Monday afternoon I started to feel normal.  I had no pain in my stomach or chest, I could breathe and my brain felt somewhat clear.  By Tuesday, although still with little energy, I pulled myself up by my boot straps and drove to the beach.  I walked for two glorious hours on the beach.  I have not walked that far in total in 3 months.  I cried over 1/2 of the time, because I was so grateful for that day.  I praised God, sang hymns and spoke to strangers.  No one knew I had cancer.  I was healthy and normal for that day.

For two days this week, I did not take pain pills, I caught up on some paperwork and walked around the yard to enjoy the new flowers in the beds.  I felt so well that I called work and told them that I would be coming back for a limited number of hours.  I even went to church Wednesday night for the first time in 3 months.  It felt so amazing.

Alas, my freedom from pain was short lived.  I am back on the pain pills and missing my normal life.

Oh! The Coffee Enemas...

...and all of the other remedies that I am bombarded with.  I usually consider the source first and then start looking for some documentable evidence.  I have drank this tea and swallowed that herbal pill.

Then recently an acquaintance that is in much the same space I am in with cancer suggested the coffee enema.  She has a strong medical background and her husband has a strong business background...not quite the hippy type.  They reached out to me and started asking how I was cleansing my liver.   Well...uuummm!  The coffee enema was highly recommended.  Not just by these people but by well  respected cancer centers around the globe.

I decided that with all of the chemo and other drugs that have been filtering thorough my liver for the past year, I should give it a shot.

You gotta start with the right equipment and a lot of towels.  I have a cousin that once said that giving yourself an enema is like trying to hem yourself up in the corner of a round room.  I figured this out pretty quickly and went and found my adventurous daughter that is willing to do anything for a laugh.

This was a hilarious project.  The comments, "how do you like your coffee" and "do you want cream & sugar with that"  just kept the insanity going.  We did use 100% Columbian beans.  Juan Valdez would be proud.

I will spare you any more details, but this is a daily ritual that really does make one feel a bit better.  We need a healthy liver to fight cancer.

Accept The Fact That Life Is Not Fair!

Life is not fair!  People will tell you that accepting Christ as your savior will make your life wonderful.  It will not...well, not necessarily...it could.  Actually, your faith is all about life in eternity...after death.  It is what you believe and do in this life on earth that will dictate how you spend eternity.

This is not to say that if someone is having an easy or great life that they are not trully Christian.  You can not judge someone's prosperity on whether they are a "good" Christian.  And what is a "good" Christian, anyway.  Be careful here.  We tend to put human judgement on our lives, when God is promising us spiritual wealth and happiness.  These are people that follow the law of God in addition to the law of the land.  This is one of the reasons people go to church and read their bible.  It is to know and understand the law of God.  Just because someone does these things does not necessarily mean that they are a "good" Christians.

Then what is the point?  I want to be all happy and have fun, now.  The point is FAITH.  I am saved by faith, alone!   I choose to be happy every day...no one makes me that way.

Our Furry Friends!

I can not talk about my dance with cancer without mentioning my little furry buddy, Spud.  He is a cat that we rescued about 14 years ago.  I had never lived with an animal in the house with me until this cat.  I grew up on a farm where animals lived outside and people lived inside.

I know you have heard about studies that prove people live longer when they have a pet by their side. Well, I believe it.  This little guy never paid too much attention to me.  I was his door man/woman and the person that fed him.  Now, he rarely leaves my side.  In fact, he wants to cuddle.   This has been an independent cat until now.  He would sit and stare at me like he wanted to kill me.

I can't imagine my life without him.  During the hundreds of hours of alone time, he is here.

God puts these amazing creatures in our lives for our pleasure and we certainly do enjoy them.

How Am I Doing?

I am getting a lot of questions.  After every chemo treatment I am quite nauseated.  After the Neulasta shot my bones ache.  I have very little energy.

My daughter has been taking care of me and making sure that my meds are taken on time.

I finally got some morphine and it has helped, but it has not taken the pain away completely.  I am grateful for any relief.

The most positive news is that my CA125 (blood marker) has gone down a little.  That is an indication that the chemo should still be working.  My symptoms may be getting worse, but it seems that the chemo might be moving me forward.  This is encouragement that I desperately needed.

Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

Rough Day, But Feeling Positive

I started my day with an urgent visit to the pulmanologist's office due to extreme pain in my left thorax.  X-rays from yesterday showed significant increase in the fluid build-up.  The doctor said that the fluid should not cause this kind of pain.  He said that a blood clot could be the culprit.  After CT scans, ultrasounds and a thoracentesis, the pain is incredibly worse.  There is no real explanation for the pain other than an increase in the growth of the cancer.

I was treated by some amazing people.  I really appreciate that these people love their jobs and treat sick people with so much respect.  I was a big baby through part of it, but I have never hurt like this.  No one bushed me off.  They were genuinely concerned.

Please pray for these professionals that have thankless jobs.  They deal with our bad moods, our body fluids and our inquiring families.  What amazing angels.

They have inspired me.

Next Steps!

I have another chemo session this week.  I pray that the blood tests show that the chemo is still working.  I am not sure how it can be working as my struggles are increasing.  The day after chemo I will get that terrible Neulasta shot in the belly.  This shot is a growth factor to help my bones create more blood cells.  I need more white blood cells.  This shot is so terrible because it makes my bones ache like you would not believe.

A few weeks after this chemo I will go through extensive testing to determine if I should continue chemo, change chemo and/or go into surgery for "debulking".  I am a bit anxious about this testing, because it makes me so sick.

I will hold my head up and pray.  God will give me what I need to get through this.  I will prop myself up in the wheelchair, I will strap my oxygen in and I will travel and enjoy every second with my daughter who is taking me to all of these appointments.  She really brings a lot of silly to these situations.  We are usually seen laughing as she pushes me through the airport on our way to my next treatments.  I am surprised that we have not been locked up by the TSA.

She is so much fun and helps me forget how sick I really am.

Setting My Sights On Heaven!

I feel an even stronger desire to share with you the inner thoughts of a terminally ill person.  This blog started out showing you how strong I am and how to keep your head straight in the face of diversity.  Now, this blog has morphed into a documentation of how powerless we really are as humans.  God has an ultimate plan and nothing we do can change that plan.  I try to set an example, as I believe we all should strive.

I still look forward to sharing my story with many people.  I pray that I can stand up and make a difference in the lives of as many people as I can reach.  I am just not sure that I am going to reach that goal.

As the pain continues to increase and my quality of life decreases I find myself getting closer to God. From a spiritual standpoint I am very excited to make that ultimate trip (you know I love to travel to new places).  What I am not prepared for is leaving my daughter.  I find myself crushed over the thought of her watching her mother die.  I am blessed to have a mother that is still very involved in my life.  It hurts me to think that she may not have that joy.  I pray that the example that I have set and the difference that I make is in her.

Some of you may think that I need counceling.  Maybe I do, but I guarantee that my thoughts and feelings are very common in someone in my situation.

The State of My Health!

I continue to decline, slowly.  I believe that this is the time that the tide will turn.  I am unable to take visitors for any length of time.  My twin sister, my daughter and I are trying very hard to wrap our heads around these changes.  Decisions are made one day at a time.

I apologize if you don't get a thank you note from me or a returned text/ phone call.

We are telling ourselves that this chemo will start making a difference soon.  I am not giving up, just
on the hunt for new and innovative treatments that could help.

An amazing couple called me last night.  They are going through the same things that I am going through.  It did my heart so much good to discuss the things that they are trying and sharing with them what I am doing.  But mostly, it helped to pray with them.

God is so good!  He knows what I need at the right time.

The Florida Legislature Controls My Well Being!

I believe that my pain level has doubled over night.  Wow! Wow! Wow!

I don't even know what to say about that.

Let me tell you what the legislature has done in an effort to control pill mills and to keep these drugs out of the wrong hands.  They have limited the amount of medication I can get.  I am only allowed to fill my pain meds RX at CVS pharmacy.  If I have not used a pharmacy in a while the pharmacist refuses to fill it.  So I go to my CVS (the one closest to me) and they don't have hydrocodon in stock.  They said that they would get it in the next day.  So I wait and go back and they still don't have it.  I keep going back and three weeks later they still don't have it.

Since I am obviously too weak to run all over town, I ask if they will call another location for me.  They said that the pharmacist will not tell them over the phone if they have it in stock.  So I said, "do you mean to tell me that if your pharmacist calls another location the pharmacist there will lie about whether they have it in stock."  They said, "YES"!  So after visiting 3 CVS pharmacies the 4th one filled the RX.

It gets better...I go through the exact same routine this week to get another RX filled for the same thing.  When I got to the 4th pharmacy they had the drug, but did not want to fill it.  I got more pitiful by the minute and they finally filled it, but informed me that I have reached my maximum for pain killers for the next 30 days.

So, now, it is the pharmacist that dictates what drugs I can buy.  My doctors can prescribe all day long and I can't get the drugs I need if the government does not want me to have them.

Where in the heck do we live?  America is not what our founding fathers intended it to be.

God's Grace!

Please, if you have helped me in any little way, do not let this post minimize the Grace that you have exhibited.  But I have to share this.  I will not share names, because these people would never tell anyone what they have done for me.  Bare with me as I set this up.

If you know me, you know that my passion is my yard and my flower beds.  For years folks have tried to advise me to give it up.  My husband passed and is not around to help, so I mow the yard every weekend in the warm months of Florida. (that is a lot, especially since I walk behind the mower).    My flower beds are an even bigger passion.  I once had a neighbor come over to take a picture as she claimed that my flower bed should be in the Southern Living magazine.  It has been my way of dealing with grief, stress and my time to sing & talk to God.  I looked forward to any sunny weekend that would allow me to get in the yard.  I would put on my swim suit when I got up in the morning and not take it off until I came inside at night.  I even did some of this work when I fought cancer the first time.

Now, I am too ill to walk to the mail box some days.  I look at my yard and my flower beds and pray that I can feel well enough to bend over and pull a weed someday.  I have had to hire a man to mow my yard, he does a great job, but surely does not get the pleasure out of it that I do.

This past weekend my two favorite men in the world got together and cleaned my flower beds, trimmed hedges, trimmed palm trees, and so much more.  I felt horrible that I could not be out there with them, but so grateful that they knew that this would do my heart some good.  They are both very hard working men with families and lives that are busy and stressful.

Then today I was lying on the couch trying to catch my breath after walking to the mailbox without my oxygen on.  I was sucking that oxygen in and trying to slow my rate of respiration down.  After some time I looked up and saw a reflection that got my attention.  I got up and saw a friend (also a busy executive) was just finishing putting the spring flowers that I had so desperately prayed to be able to do.  In some ways I have been embarrassed that my home looked so much less cheerful as in the past.  She also brought pots of flowers to dress up the front door entrance.

These people could have handed me $1000 and I would not have appreciated it as much as this.  They  knew that this would make me feel better.  Someone else brought me something special that I have secretly wanted for a long time.  (God must have put this on their heart because they could not have known that I wanted this),

As I sit here and praise God for these precious people (all of you that are praying and exhibiting God's Grace), I weep thinking of God's ultimate Grace gift to all of us.  His sons death on the cross.

As we celebrate Easter this weekend, please, remember what this holiday is about, the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  What can we do to help ourselves walk more like Christ did on this earth?  I am certainly inspired by these Godly people.

It Is Well With My Soul!