Caught Red Handed!

I caught my beautiful flower fairy at it again.  This is about the 5th time she has brightened up the front of my house with flowers.  And I am not talking about a few flowers.  She brings a trunk full of flowers.

I love flowers in my front flower beds and around my mail box.  I have always tried to keep it up.  But since I have been sick, I just don't have much energy to do it.

This beautiful lady may or may not know how much I love her this.  It really touches my heart and I go out to look at them every day.  Talk about God's Grace.  Wow!

Video Memories!

One of my long-time friends lost her battle to ovarian cancer about 5 years ago.  Her daughter was by her side, almost exactly the way my daughter is by mine.  She stated that the one thing she misses is her mother's voice.  She is in fear that she is forgetting what she sounded like.  So, I am working on doing something to remedy that for my daughter.

I started writing her letters and everyone keeps suggesting that some of it be in videos.  I have done my first two videos and I am just rambling.  The last thing I want to do is to start crying on the video.  As I am making the video it runs through my mind that my daughter will see this after I am gone.  It is hard to keep a stiff upper lip when you are cycling those kinds of thoughts.

I want these videos to be a happy recount of many things we have done over the past 21 years or so.  Things like the time I hurt my back jumping on the bed with her and when I hurt my back slip n' sliding in the yard.  I had put too much soap on it and went right off the end of the plastic.  The grass ripped my bikini off and I had to run into the house naked.  Seriously, this stuff happens to us.  And I am going to try to make a video memory of as much as I can.

This is getting fun.  Can you imagine the blessing this will be for her one day.

Where To Go? What To Do?

My daughter has been spending a few very desperate days sorting out different kinds of treatments and why Europe's treatments are so much better than in U.S.  She really is my hero.  I am mentally and emotionally overwhelmed & exhausted and, thus, not much help.  Clinics in Germany seem to be my best option.  I am on my knees asking God for guidance.

God speaks to us in many ways.  We just have to learn to be still and listen.  I am a type-A personality and it is a struggle for me to listen.  This cancer has been a lesson in slowing down.

As we discuss different options it appears that mental health and life without fear or grief is very important.  If we are to trust in God then we have to drop these kinds of issues from our life.  I find it fascinating that even cancer clinics in Europe understand this, but likely for healing and not for a deeper relationship with our Lord & Savior.

I am a bit anxious to travel that far as I simply don't feel well.  One day at the office puts me in bed most of the next day.  A quick flight to Houston to MD Anderson wears me out.  I rest easier because my Angel will be by my side.

Please pray for my daughter's strength as she watches me go through this.

The Value of a Friendship

I have spent most of my life wrapped up in my family and extended family.  I went back to college in my 30's to finish my bachelor's degree and then decided to get a master's degree.  I then spent my 40's building my career.  All the while my family and especially my daughter have been my friends.  I have never fostered too many long term friendships, because I just did not have time.

I regret that I did not find a way to fit many of you into my life.  As I struggle these last two years you have reached out.  It does not matter if we have been close or not.  You all understand that life happens and gets in the way...we just pick up where we left off.

Thank God for Facebook.  I have been able to catch up with so many people that I had lost touch with for over 30 years.  There are still many folks that I would like to find.  I want to know if they have children of their own, if they have a job that they love and if they have found the love of their lives.

The most amazing part of the last few years are the new friends that I have made.  In most cases we share the burden of cancer and we lean on each other for encouragement.  I especially cherish the friends that are close to God.  We seem to understand each other's need to walk in faith as we face our daily challenges.

In any case, I gain strength from what each of you provide in prayer, in a quick message of support or even in a "like" to one of my posts on Facebook.

The End of the Beginning or the Beginning of the End?

The news that my little body cannot handle any more chemo has come sooner than I had anticipated.  I know the doctor warned me last time and I have tried to process it, but the time is, now!

As I sat there numb about the fact that the only treatment the medical community could offer is gone, my daughter chattered about the possibilities that lie ahead.

My first thoughts were, FEAR.  I did not know exactly where to go from here.  Is God telling me that it is almost over or is he telling me to trust him instead of doctors?  I do know that the fear is from satan and meant to shake my faith in God.

After tears and conversations with a few positive people (and a few not so positive people), I feel so amazingly blessed.  My daughter and I will get to travel to some new and exciting places to meet doctors that are trying brave new treatments.

I, literally, have only a week or two to figure this out.  The cancer that I have is extremely widespread and is very aggressive.  Tomorrow will bring new blessings.

The Best Part!

The best part of having my chemo infusions at Moffitt in Tampa is that I get to stay the night with my twin sister's daughter and her precious husband.  We drive down the night before and have a great time figuring out what we are going to do for dinner.  You have to remember that because my niece is my twin sister's daughter, she may be closer to me than just a niece.  I love her like a daughter.  I can't tell you how many times, when she was growing up, that she thought I was her mother.

This precious niece has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during this amazing journey.  She does research for me and makes connections.  She talks about me to her clients, who have started many prayer chains for her "Aunt Cheryl".  She has also put me intouch with her clients that have cancer too.  I have made a great friendship with one of her clients that battled cancer.

This young woman is also my daughter's closest cousin and best-friend.  She is there when when my daughter needs to talk.  The two of them are always dreaming up ways to keep me happy and positive.  If laughter is the best medicine then I will be cured soon, just laughing at them.

I am looking forward to my next sleep over!    

Chemo, again, next week!

I want to describe the emotional and physical feelings at this point.  I do get an bit anxious the night before my chemo infusion.  The appointment starts with a blood draw and then a visit with my oncologist and his team.  This time we should know a little more about whether my body is willing to keep taking Chemo.  That will be done by looking at the White Blood cell count and by looking at the plattelets.  I am looking into procedure that can be done to my Spleen that can help.  Actually, one of my best friends was the second patient in Duval county to get the procedure and it worked.

It is a little nerve wraking knowing that I am coming closer to the point where the doctor looks me in the eye and says, "there is nothing more we can do for you."  There are many points in the last two years that I did not think I would be here on earth today.  I also have continued to go through a phase that is abosolutely positive.  People can say absolutely anything and I only see it as a oppotunity to educate them.  I just don't think that anyone has offended me or has been inappropriate.  I want people talking about it and learning about it.

When the pain pills wear off I find myself getting weepy.  I do hit the "why me" point from time to time.  It usually scares the cat and he tries to comfort me.  This phase does not last long, but I think is necessary.

For a person that has always controlled and tried to do everything herself...I am sure getting a lesson in allowing grace into my life.  I just don't see how in my childhood, I could have had this awareness.  It really does take some stress, drama & hard ship to get this understanding with God.

The Holy Spirit gives me decernment every day,  I am trying to hard to listen.

So the emotional state goes hand in hand with the physical state.  They take turns driving this train.