The Reason for the Season and My Attitude!

Today, Christians all over the world are celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  We welcome all people to celebrate with us as we honor the personification of God.  This miraculous birth to a humble virgin is just the beginning of a life of healing and teaching.

God loves us so much that he sent his only son to save us.  Whoever believes in him will not perish but shall live forever.  It is this hope that keeps me positive about my fight with cancer.  I believe that there is much more than this. 

3 Down....

I have finished my third round of chemo.  Blood tests show that my CA125 cancer antigen marker is 225.  That is down from almost 800.  This number could fluctuate back up and down, but it is fantastic news and means that I am responding to treatment.  Yeah!  The goal is to get down below 30 (the normal - no cancer range).

In about 3 weeks are ct scans of the pelvis, abdomen and chest areas.  Since chemo has started a small lump in my breast has grown into a much larger one.  This means that diagnostics on my breasts will also begin.

These tests will determine if I continue chemo for three more rounds or if I go for a massive de-bulking (surgery to remove all of the cancer).  Because the surgery is such a big deal I really want the cancer to have been reduced by the chemo as much as possible.  The surgery could take more than 10 hours and require a week in Intensive Care and additional weeks in the hospital.



There is always light at the end of the tunnel.  Just some of us have to look harder for it than others.

Good Blood

White Blood Cell count came up to a point that I can have Chemo tomorrow.  This is great news for the progress of my treatment.

Thank you for your prayers.

UPDATE:  The doctor tells me that there is a chance that my white blood count could drop again before I get chemo tomorrow.  

chemo postponed

Due to a low white blood cell count my chemo was postponed.  I had a new blood test today, so I hope that I can go for chemo on Thursday.  If I don't get it Thursday it will have to be postponed until after the holidays.  Doctors, nurses and healthcare workers deserve a break too.  But I don't want to give this cancer a break. 

If I get the chemo on Thursday, I will be sick for Christmas.  I was sick for Thanksgiving too.  But I am o.k. with this.  If this is what I have to do to get a few extra years with my daughter, then ROCK & ROLL...Let's go!

I was wrong....

o.k. I admit it, I was wrong.  I thought I was feeling 100%.  So I decided to venture out and try to do my grocery shopping on my own.  Evidently, I am not capable of doing something that monumental without having to stay home in bed the next day.

When I am tired my abdomen starts to hurt.  I think it is the areas that I have the cancer that hurt.

My daughter was out of town this weekend and was unable to help do a little house work.  So since I was feeling 100% I thought I would do a little laundry, dusting and cooking.  I was wrong again.

The cancer and the chemo take so much more out of my little body that you can imagine.  For someone like me that goes at 150 miles/hour all of the time...this is a lesson in letting go. 

Sounds like a recurring theme.

What Would You Do?

As I walk around with my bald head I have noticed many different reactions.  (Remember that I have chosen not to wear hats, scarves or wigs.) I do not get offended by any of the reactions.  I do get doors held open much more often.  I also make a few people nervous.

I actually like it when people are bold enough to wish me well.  I get a lot of "good for you" or "keep fighting" comments.  It is kind of empowering and feels good that everyone wants me to fight & win.

Children are the best.  They love to look.  I try to take the opportunity to speak to them, if their mom lets them talk to me.  Some ask me if my hair will grow back.  The questions are very honest.  I was able to help one mother explain that this is what their Grandma was going through.  

It makes me think about how I react to people that have physical challenges.  I would never want to offend someone, but I would like to show compassion or help in some possible way.  Thus, I take a few seconds to look and assess the level of the disability.  I hope it does not look like I am staring, but I really am.  Then I try to hold doors or get out of the way.

Wow! What a Beautiful Day!

I feel almost 100% healthy today.  I even went for a walk at lunch.  I have not felt this good in months.  It figures that I feel better on a day that I am working.  I needed a good day this weekend. 

The sun is shining and the temperature is warm. 

I am focusing on thanking God for my healing.

The ascites (fluid in my abdomen) has gone down considerably.  The pressure was causing much of my discomfort.  I can wear my business clothes...so happy about that. 

I would love to get to a point that I can go to the gym.  No sense in letting the body go. 

What Goes Through My Head!

When I am feeling like heck and all I want to do is cry...What goes through my head?

First, I want to just die and not deal with it, but since that is not an option, I have to work a few more things through my head.

I have learned over the years to look for things to thank God for.  My blessing are beyond measure.  This practice alone makes me feel better.  "count your blessings, name them one by one..."

I also focus on what I am going to do as soon as I am able.  There are so many places that I want to take my daughter.  I want her to see some of the things I have seen. 

I then think about all of the other Stage 4 ovarian cancer survivors & patients that I am meeting in the "chat room" that I have joined.  These women have been there already and they are so willing to share their experiences and give advice.  Wow!... Is all I can say about these amazing women.

I know that I am going through this to help others...so I imagine ways I might be able to do that.  There will be a life that I have the opportunity to touch, I just hope that I recognize it when it presents.

Happiness!

You may wonder if I am happy.

I am extremely happy.  I really am.  I believe that there is life after death and that how we live our lives, now, may impact how we live our lives for eternity.  I am not talking about how to ensure that I am going to heaven.  I already have that figured out.  I am talking about what life will be like later, after we die.

We must treat others with respect...ABOVE ALL.  Respect comes first in all relationships.
We must never try to control others.  We can only impact ourselves & our own feelings.
We must never look to anyone else for Happiness.  That is within us and our relationship with God.
We must obey the 10 commandments.
Every deal must be a win : win situation.  Stop trying to get something for nothing.
Give without strings attached & give anonymously.  Make it all Grace.

I could go on...

Just know that a disease like cancer will not cause me to take my eyes off of the prize.

My Apologies to My Guests!

Thanks to staying in bed for 5 days...I am feeling better.

I am so sorry to all of you who wanted to visit over the holiday weekend.  I really had to stay in bed and only have access to my immediate caregivers.  The sickness and weakness that I feel the days after chemo are worse than anything that I have been through before.  I am in pain, I feel nauseated and I don't have the energy to think.

You may wonder why visitors would wear me out, but it just happens like that.  I am not sure why having to sit up and talk to company for 20 minutes puts me in bed for hours.

Thank you for your support and prayers.

2 Down!

I have finished my 2nd Chemo treatment.  I feel fabulous.  By tomorrow, I will start to feel worse and by Friday I will be in terrible shape, lasting through the entire weekend.  I need to be in bed and left alone for the weekend and I will be back at work by Tuesday.

My white blood count made it to the normal range.  The bad news is that the CA-125 cancer marker is still going up.  The doctor is not that concerned, right now.  By the end of December we would hope that number is declining.  If not, then we may need to try a different treatment.

I am not looking forward to the next week or even the next three weeks of feeling achy and tired. 

Bald is Beautiful!

After about 2/3 of my hair fell out, Kristin, shaved my head.  She did a great job and kept reminding me that she has experience shaving her horse for shows.  That made me feel better!?

Turns out that I don't look that bad.  Bald is o.k. for me and I may not even wear a hat or scarf most days.  I do not want to embarrass others, but if they take the time to get to know me...they will not even notice that I am bald.

It Comes With the Territory!

Pain!  I guess that was to be expected.  In all of my research I have not read that cancer causes extreme pain and discomfort.  When I ask a doctor or nurse they offer no explanation, but just offer me another prescription for pain.  There really are no answers.  The pain from the chemo has gone, but has been replaced with other pains.  I really hope it is the chemo working and NOT the cancer growing.

No one really knows what I am facing.  The doctor tells me that everyone is different.

So...some days the pain is tolerable and I feel pretty good.  Other days I feel like I have the flu and everything hurts.  The worst of the pain is in my left rib cage.  Again, no body know why it hurts.

Bad Blood!

So my white blood cell count is low.  I am trying to figure out if I get treatment in a few days or if I have to wait.  Grrrr!  I have to find out how to keep my blood cells happy through all this chemo.  I want this chemo to happen on schedule. I don't have time for complications.

Evidently, I am also very susceptible to getting sick.  Sick people have to stay away.  

This weekend, I need to find a sunny spot and just lay there with my cat.  There is nothing that makes me feel better than a little sunshine.

I am in the 18%

The 5 year survival estimates on stage IV ovarian cancer is 18%.  The way I figure I am easily in that 18%.  Here is why:

* I am healthy...was regularly running for 30-45 minutes on the arch trainer just a mere 7 weeks ago.
* I am a very healthy eater.  I love my fruits and veggies
* There is not a lot of cancer in my family
* I have the best prayer warriors anyone could ask for
* I am going to the #1 cancer center in the world
* I am weirdly positive
* I have a giant support system (UNF, St. Ambrose, Friends, Family & beyond)
* I feel great (...the chemo pain is gone)
* I look great (...except for a swollen belly)
* I welcome miracles in my life
* I do not allow negative people in my life
* My daughter needs me to baby sit my grandchild one day (...after she has a college degree and has traveled the world)
* I still have a lot to do

Do you have Faith?

"When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."  Barbara J. Winter.

With Faith Comes Hope! 

Feeling Great!

It is just over a week since I had my first Chemo Therapy.  Other than a horrible pain in my left rib cage and and being a little tired...I think I have survived this round. 

One wonders what a diagnosis like mine would feel like.  For me, it did not shock me or scare me.  Of course, I could not breath because my mom had her arms around me so tight.  She was praying and I was trying to get some oxygen.  The only tears I shed are for my daughter.  I don't want her to see me go through this. 

So I have learned that my daughter's attitude mirrors mine.  I think she feels better about cancer when I am happy and positive.  I think that I am happy and positive about 90% of the time.  It is that 10% of the time that I am in pain that scares both of us. 

Another Great Inspiration

My strength comes from the most amazing places.  This is from a dear friend that is a Department Chair in a completely different college that I work in.  He says:

I was reading today a plaque that I have in my office, it was given to me by a dear friend.  It gives me hope and reassurance every time I read it.  It says:  "The Lord didn’t promise that life would be easy , but He did promise to go with you every step of the way."

This message from this amazing friend is just one of many proofs I get everyday that God is with me.   

The Best Friend in the World!

My dearest friend decided that I needed help this weekend.  She left her little ones under daddy's supervision for the night and came to spend the night with me.  She rubbed my back and feet when I was crying from pain.  She made sure I took my medicine and she fed me.  She would cook something I could only take two bites of and then she would find something else that I might be able to keep on my stomach.   

There is a special place in heaven for Mary Lou Brown!

Whew! Chemo!

I had my first chemo 5 hour i.v. infusion on Tuesday, November 5th.  A two hour reaction, that made me climb the walls, did not dampen my spirits.  I started the day with blood tests, then to the doctor's office, a long meeting with the pharmacist on my case and then chemo.

I felt great the day after chemo.  On the third day after chemo all of the steroids wore off and the extreme pain started.  I was in serious pain for about 4 days after that. 

I am back at work today, but a little slow from the chemo fog in my head.

Off With Her Hair!

The hair is almost gone.  My precious niece cut it off this weekend.  She and my daughter were so anxious and excited about the cut.  They repeatedly asked me if I was o.k. 

Seriously, this hair is the least of my worries.  I have always worn my hair long except for the few times I have donated it and even then it was still below my shoulders.  Turns out I look o.k. with really short hair. 

The pony tail will be donated to Locks of Love.  Locks of Love makes wigs for children that have lost their hair due to various medical reasons or treatments.

I expect that my hair will start to fall out in about two weeks and my niece will come over to buzzzzzz my hair off.  Maybe that will bother me, but maybe not.  The bald head is a badge of courage during a battle that I am going to win. 

Enough about the hair. 

Let the Fight Begin

I start a 5 hour session of chemo on Tuesday.  I am excited and scared at the same time.

I will be given a cocktail of Paclitaxel and Carboplatin chemotherapy drugs.

It is very likely that I will lose my hair with the Taxel, so a short hair cut may happen this weekend.  I am not so worried about it.  My niece is all excited about cutting my hair off.  Don't worry she knows what she is doing. 

I am open to suggestions if anyone wants to send me some ideas.  Hmm...maybe I should make this a competition.

I am an OVERCOMER

Overcomer - by Mandisa

You have to watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8VoUYtx0kw&noredirect=1

Hang On!

Below is a timely scripture that a dear friend sent me.

"I will be your refuge and strength, Cheryl, an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore have hope, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.  (Praise God!)

You are a river whose streams make glad My heart, and I am with you. You will not fall; I will help you at the break of day.

Just be still. It's ok to be still. And know that I am who I say I am:  Your God, and I am able."

Although it is very difficult to Praise God at times, I try very hard.  I look for the wonderful things that have been put in my path.  This week I am thanking God for the overwhelming support.  As I start to feel sorry for myself and wonder how I am going to make it...I get another proof that there are hundreds of people cheering me on. I love you all. 

Chemo 1st

Because of the extensive cancer in my body, the doctor recommends starting with Chemotherapy.

I spoke to his head nurse a few minutes ago, so I do not know the frequency or any of the details yet.  There are so many different options that I can not even guess what is going to happen.

The good news is that she said that their patients do not get really sick right away after chemo.  She stated that their patients get a lot of steroids and anti-nausea medicine. 

Another thing she pointed out is that they will not let me take a lot of vitamins and other miscellaneous minerals that we all take because we think they prevent cancer.  She said that it is actually bad for cancer patients.

I should speak to the doctor tonight or tomorrow night and get everything started.

I Am As Strong As My Support System

If I am as strong as my support system then I am a super hero.  The support at work is unreal.  Seriously, I have never had anyone in my life like this group of people.  I certainly don't deserve it, but am honored to be a part of a community with such love, grace, and strength.  I can not describe how humbled I feel that they are so willing to help me. 

I get simple emails or texts from colleagues to tell me that they are thinking of me.  Every time I read one of those emails, I feel stronger and more positive about my situation.  

Our Human Resources team has contacted me (I don't mean just one person, but several of them) to make sure I know the resources that are available to me when I am too sick to be at work.  This is just unreal. 

My church family is beyond amazing.  And not just my church, but dozens of other churches and prayer groups are lifting me up. I really am amazed at the GRACE and LOVE.

My caregivers have changed their lives to be with me.  There is no question that my health is taking a toll on my family.  And this journey has only just begun.

I sure do hope that Love Conquers All.

Video Assisted Thorasic Surgery - VATS

10/22/2013 - A thoracic surgeon performed a VATS procedure on me.  This was primarily to look around and take some biopsies.

First they had to do another paracentesis on my abdomen. They drew 3 liters of fluid off.  This gave room for them to go into my chest cavity and lungs.

When they went into my chest they drew one liter of fluid off of my left lung.  No wonder it was getting so tough to breath.  The surgical report shows several "implants" those are places where the cancer has settled and is growing, in the respiratory system & digestive system.

A recent CT scan shows signs and systems of cancer in my breasts.  Additional, findings show "other diseases of the pericardium".

I have a conference with my doctor this week and should know my treatment plan and some answers.

This VATS procedure did not seem so horrible the first few days...except for pain when breathing and coughing.  But by Friday, I was exhausted.  I am getting my feet back under me today and feel a bit more normal.

Bad Blogger

I am back and at work.  Last week was a physical challenge for me and thus NO blogging. 

I know you all are anxious to learn what happened.

Cancer...You Take My Breath Away!

I found out, last night, that the cancer appears to be in my lungs.  They are filling with fluid, the reason I am having a hard time catching my breath.  I will have a VATS procedure to draw the fluid out of my lungs and do a biopsy.  They will most likely put a camera in and take a look around.

This means that chemo is the first step.  I do not have a treatment plan, yet, and thus I do not know anything else.

I remain positive and blessed.  This is harder on everyone else than it is on me.  I will be just fine.

More Tests!

It turns out that the #1 cancer center in the world does a tremendous amount of testing before they determine a treatment for cancer. 

They have asked more questions than you can imagine. Seriously, for over an hour.

They will take the previous Sonogram, Abdominal CT & Abdominal MRI and have THEIR radiologists read them.

They took the slide from previous fluid draws and ran their own analysis.

They took more blood and did a CT scan of my chest. 

I had a lengthy consult with 2 doctors, 1 PA, 2 nurses & 1 intern.

The next step is a laproscopic exploration to see first hand what the cancer looks like and to determine if surgery will be successful.

I remain extremely positive.  I am healthy & I am fabulous.  Now, if I can only get all of you to stop worrying so much and look for things to praise God for. 

Who Stole My Wheaties?

After more tests, I am exhausted.  I knew that the cancer would wreck my energy level, but this is ridiculous.  I am used to going 150 miles an hour.  This is slowing me down.

Carol (sister) and I decided to walk between tests and appointments.  I could not keep up with her.  Just a few weeks ago I could tear the arch trainer up for 45 minutes.  Now I can't walk two blocks.

 I want my Wheaties back!

Keep Lifting Me Up!

I can feel your prayers.  God is blessing me every second of every day.  I remain positive but anxious about what the doctors are going to tell me next.

Many of you have sent me scriptures, put me on prayer lists and have lit candles for me.  One of my dear friends even had bracelets made for me...to remind everyone to keep the positive energy flowing my way. 

I am slated for many new tests next week.  I will know by the end of next week what my new treatment plan is.  Stay tuned into this blog and I will post about the fun I am having with the test. 

In the mean time, keep praying!

Don't Tell!

It was the middle of the night, I could not sleep and I was hungry...  I fell off of the juicing wagon and ate some Wheat Thins last night.  I guess that I did not do too much damage because I feel great today.  I am going to add some beans to this cancer diet. 

I have given up coffee, sugar and food in general.  I drank an entire head of cauliflower last night for dinner.  I did add some wheat grass for interest.  Sounds terrible, but it is not. 

By the way, do NOT tell my mother that I ate the Wheat Thins.  She is going to great links to make sure that I am juicing the right fruits and vegetables.  I also am scared that she is going to find out that coffee enemas are good for killing cancer.  Unless some of you are willing help me with the enema, don't tell her about that either.

Juicing May Be the Cure!

My angel...My mother has decided that she is going to help me beat this cancer through juicing.  So she bought me a cold-press juicer and is reading books & going to seminars on juicing.  When I got home last night she was getting everything ready for my next glass of juice.  She gets the veggies washed and ready for me to juice on my own the next morning for breakfast.  It does not get better than this...my own juicing chef.

After three days of juicing the swelling in my abdomen has gone down and the pain in my spleen has gone away.  I am in my forth day of juicing and I think it is making a difference.  Amazing!

The biggest challenge is getting our hands on enough decent vegetables to juice.  Forget trying to get everything organic.  That is impossible.  So we just wash the heck out of everything with vinegar. 

May I say that there are some vegetables that make a horrible drink.  It may be the combination of what mom puts in the juicer.  She just crams everything in there with no thought of what combination could taste better.  I prefer to choose the fruit and vegetable strategically and find a combination that makes the experience a pleasure. 

Maybe juicing will become a permanent part of my diet after this cancer has gone away.

Attitude

...Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes. 

- Charles Swindoll

Estate Planning

It seems prudent at this time to work on my estate planning.  I meant to do this years ago, but you know how that goes.  I just told the lawyer that I could say in 5 sentence what it takes the legal professionals to say in 15 pages.  Wow! 

Even though I know I am going to live a long, exciting life...I still have to do this.  And it is expensive to do this.  There is not going to be anything to leave to my daughter when I pay the attorney's fees.  Ooops!  The lawyer reads this blog.  -  Hi! You are doing a wonderful job for me.  But seriously, are there any coupons that I can clip for this?

Does Cancer Hurt?

I am just finding out that cancer does hurt.  The stabbing pains in my abdomen are increasing.  This big ol' swollen belly is not comfortable either.  Sorry, no whining allowed.  I have to keep remembering that there are people that have it a lot worse than I do.  I am blessed through it all. 

This is reminding me of the days of pregnancy over 19 years ago.  I just don't get a beautiful daughter out this one.  But I do get to meet a lot of wonderful medical professionals.

I still feel pretty good, but I am finding it a struggle to keep my head in the game at work.  Ooops!  My boss reads this blog.  - Hi! I am working my fingers to the bone.  I am posting this blog on my break.    

Could This Really Be Cancer?

I feel really good today!  How can someone have this much cancer in them and feel this good? 

I remain so positive that I am concerned about myself.  I am not scared.  I don't worry much.  It just all seems like a process that I have to work through.  One day at a time. 

A dear friend reminded me that this is not a race, it is a marathon.  So...I guess I am in this for the long haul. 

I have faith that God is in control of it all and my job is to ride it out with as much grace and dignity as possible.  With everything that I do, I have a strong desire to make a difference in the world.  That is easy in my job with students.  I know that I make an impact on them.  The opportunity will come up for me to help someone because of what I have been through.  I already know that my beautiful daughter and niece are watching me closely.

Beautiful friends in a time of need.

A wonderful friend just shared this with me.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
Proverbs 31:25


I am honestly floored by the grace and love that is being poured out for me.  I had no idea that others would care so much for my well-being.  I have also come to realize that I need their help, love and prayers.

It is tough to need help when you are used to doing so much by yourself.

Happy Birthday to me!

10/2/2013 - Today is my 50th birthday...I share this day with an amazing identical twin.  Carol, her daughter and my daughter will be a huge part part of my success and healing.

I think the fact that I am wearing a tiara all day makes me feel a lot better about everything.  My staff decorated my office with flowers, balloons and banners.  They had a beautiful breakfast ready for me too.  They are the reason for the tiara.  They knew I would wear it.  I love all of them! 

Nothing but the best!

9/27/2013 - So the doctor at Mayo told me last night that I have a "Textbook" case of ovarian cancer and that 9 weeks of chemo, surgery & 9 weeks of chemo is a standard treatment.  I am not comfortable with standard treatment.  I think I need a 2nd opinion.

Thank you to my friends that are helping me fight this.  They are pulling research and sending me email after email of articles to read.  This is saving me so much time. 

9/29/2013 - A dear friend came over to help me.  He is a strong believer in the abilities of MD Anderson in Houston, Texas.  They are the #1 cancer center in the U.S.  After about 2 hours of discussion I am well on my way to Texas.

9/30/2013 - I have an appt. at MD Anderson in Texas.  They are going to do three days of testing.  Now that sounds more like it.

So much more than I thought!

09/25/2013 - I am trying to catch you all up to date.  Had an MRI at Mayo Clinic w/ contrast.  I was most interested in the precious young man that was the radiologist/technician.  His name is "Flash".  You all know that I could not let that go. 

I am trying to make every procedure as much fun for me and the people working on me as possible.  We usually end up laughing our butts off about something.  I hope this continues through chemotherapy.  Ugh!

09/26/2013 - Dr. Robertson from Mayo called to tell me that it is no surprise that the fluid that they pulled from by belly showed cancer.  He said something about adnocarsinoma.  I am really not sure what else he said.  He said that I have cancer in my right ovary, colon, small intestines, paritinium, omentum and spleen.  Not all are tumors some are just thickening areas.  That sounds like good news to me.

I asked if there would be more tests to see if cancer is anywhere else in my body, but he said, "NO"!  Does that sound odd to anyone else.  How do they know it is not stage 1V if they do not look?

Too much information!

9/24/2013 -  Decided that Mayo Clinic would be the best place for me due to reputation and location.  I met with the Gynecologic Oncologist.  He confirmed Stage 111 - C ovarian cancer.  Thank God that I had my sister Carol with me.  She heard the doctor say things that I did not hear.

Of course, I had blood tests for the 3rd time.  I assume that Mayo Clinic did not trust the tests done by my doctor.  CA125 marker = 426...normal is below 21.

A paracentesis was performed to relieve the extreme pressure on my abdomen.  They drew 2 liters of fluid from my very big belly.  This procedure gave me so much relief.  I lost 5 pounds from just this one procedure.

Really? Cancer? Me?

9/19/2013 - It all started with a simple hernia repair.  The doctor said that it would be three stitches and about 6 weeks of not lifting anything over 10 pounds.  This was on a Thursday and I had planned to be back to work on Monday.  But my body had other plans.

My abdomen started to swell and swell.   

9/23/2013 - So the doctor ordered a sonogram and then a CT scan.  The radiologist came out and told me that there is something on my right ovary and the doctor wants to see me immediately.  I will save you the details of the conversations that I shared with the doctors at this point.

My only thoughts were of my beautiful daughter Kristin.  "How is she going to live without a mother?" Even typing this makes me cry at the thoughts that run through my head.