Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

I don't see myself as a cancer patient.  I know I can say that I am, but I don't see it that way. I can feel the pain, nausea & exhaustion, but I don't feel like it has been as life threatening as it really has been.  I can see the toll that my cancer is taking on those around me...the worry & fear, but I don't worry so much about it.

I can tell you that I am sick of Cancer being such a huge part of my life.  I don't mind talking about it or sharing my experiences.

When my husband died so tragically, for the first year after, I felt like his death was my life.  There was so much to deal with and so many people missed him.  I had to learn to live life without him.

Now, I have to learn to live life differently once again.  I have to learn to calm the heck down and to take care not to allow so much stress into my life.  I am sorry that this is a recurring theme in my blog, but it has to be my new normal or I will be back in a mess with this cancer, again. 

More Lessons to be Learned

I am so blessed that I really should not complain.  I am done.  I am ready to feel good again.

Whether this is right or not, I tend to think that others have it so much worse than I do.  I feel sorry for people that have cancer and that they have to go through such horrible treatment.  I did not realize how tough it was until I had to deal with it.

From the first day I have thanked God for the challenge.  I beg him to help me see the grace, lessons and miracles along the way.  I certainly hope that it has made me a better person.  I hope that I am more compassionate toward people that are going through struggles.

I tend to think that everyone should be able to work like I do.  I think that everyone should have the passion that I have.  I think that everyone should have that ability to smile through diversity.  My thoughts are simply not fare to others.  Everyone handles things based on their own capacity & ability.  Sometimes a driven person like me may put a lot of unnecessary expectation/stress on myself and on others.

Fighting the Good Fight

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."  E. E. Cummings

Blood Test Results

I forgot to tell you all about my blood test results.

My Cancer Antigen CA125 is at 12.5.  This is great news and the lowest it has been since I started this journey. 

My White Blood Cell Count is just barely normal.  But there are parts of my blood count that are weak. 

I am scheduled for my last chemo in a few weeks and I really want my blood to be good.  I have to eat right and get a lot more rest. 

I hope that Easter candy is on the list of eating right.  Well!  What do you expect?  This is the only time of year that I can get Starburst Jellie Beans...and sugar is the worst thing you can do for cancer.  Sugar actually feeds cancer.

Words From the Wise

A dear friend, psychiatrist and all around amazing person read my last blog post.  She took note that I am too tired at the end of the day to exercise.  That prompted her to call me and insist that I am doing too much.  Those of you that know me, know that she is right.  I am 150 miles per hour all of the time.

This friend has survived cancer and ran a cancer support group for 5 years.  She told me that when she looked at the patients that did not survive, they all had the same thing in common.  They did not get rid of the stress in their lives.

I am a type A personality and don't know how to function if I don't have about 10 things going at one time.  I have to figure out how to take it easy, learn how to just be a bit more laid back and simply chill out.  

For me, this is tougher than fighting cancer.  I feel guilty if I do too much sitting around.  But if you saw me the week after chemo, you would see that I do take it easy...I don't have a choice.  Any extra activity or stress just makes me more nauseated.  Yuk!  But then I make up for it between chemo sessions.  I mow the yard, play around in the flower beds, clean house, etc...  Does this sound familiar to you Moms out there?

Maybe we seem to have more instances of Cancer because our life styles are becoming faster paced with a lot more stress.  We have to stop judging people that know how to take care of themselves.  I used to call that selfish, but now I see that it is not.  It is just common sense.  You can be very giving with something else, but selfish with your ME time. 

I am a work in progress. 

Another One Down Successfully!

I made it through another chemo.  Woo Hoo!  This one was easy.  It only took 6 hours, but when they start my chemo at 4:30pm I don't get out until 10:30pm.  That makes for a long day.

It was funny, because I had to show the nurse that she had to start the needle just above the cat scratch on my arm.  She looked at me funny, but did not say anything.  My cat plays rough sometimes, what can I say.

Although the chemo was easy, the after effect was not.  It felt like I had the flu for 5 days.  My symptoms are getting less severe each time.

Don't stop praying, now.  You all have gotten me this far.  Let's finish this with a blast.     

What is going on?

My blood finally tested good enough for my next chemo.  I am so excited to keep moving forward with my treatment.  I am not excited for the sickness after, but I will take it.

I get chemo later this week.  I can't wait to see my doctors smiling at me and wondering why the heck I am doing so well.

I have healed completely from the surgery and am considering an exercise routine.  The problem is that after a day of work my energy level is as low as it can get.  I struggle just feeding myself at the end of the day.

I am not complaining, just explaining what I go through.