Be Careful What You Wish For!

My deceased husband and I used to love coming home on the weekends and just get away from it all. We both worked so hard during the week that our weekends were our time.  But weekends were suddenly our time to run errands, get groceries, wash cars, do laundry, go to church, get the house cleaned, do all of the yard work and fulfill family obligations.  There were so many days that I would tell him that I would pay someone to not make me go anywhere.  I simply wanted to stay home and relax.

Now, I find myself excited for a day out of the house.  I have spent so much time in the house, because I feel so terrible, that I can't wait to feel well enough to go places.  I do go to work two days a week as I feel strong enough...the work that I love is so much more appreciated than ever before.

So, I used to wish to stay home and now I wish to get out and about.  

Looking for the blessings...!!!

Pain, Pain Go Away!

One of the symptoms of Primary Peritoneal Cancer is pain and I sure have my share.  The hundreds of implants of cancer throughout my abdomen are too tough for me.  I am on time-released Morphine and I use hydromorphone for breakthrough pain.  These drugs are still not enough.  The intake nurse always asks me to describe the pain.  She asks if it is, "stabbing, burning, dull, sharp, constant, intermittent...etc" to which I answer, "yes"!

The pain increases with each passing day.  I worry about getting addicted to the pain meds.  The doctors and nurses continue to tell me that I am not an addictive personality.  What the heck does that mean.  I thought the drug was addicting.

Please pray for reduced pain and quality of life.  AMEN!

Part-Time Work!

If you have met me you know my passion for my job.  I really feel like I am making a difference.  I can talk people out of their tree and calm them down like you would not believe.  Young adults are desperately trying to find their way in life.  They are in college and wondering what kind of career lay ahead of them.  Many of them are on their own for the first time in their life.  They need a hug or a mom away from home.  So many of them just need encouragement.  College is a big scary thing when few people in their family have a degree.  I am the biggest cheerleader in their lives.  And I LOVE IT!

I can't talk about this without bringing up my team again.  I am honored to be at work part-time and have the people I work with still need me.  I know I have told you before how much I adore them.  But I have to brag on them.  Who gets to work with 9 people that show so much respect to each other?  I encourage them to honor each other's qualities and play those up in our team.  I am sure I drive them crazy many days, but they let me be me.  They know that at the end of the day, they are family to me.  

You guessed it!  All kinds of things go through my head.  There are so many things that I want to say to so many people.  I don't want things to go unsaid.  I want people to know how much I appreciate and love them.  I want each and every person to know what I value in them.  

Life With Cancer!

Life is much slower these days.  I don't have the energy to do much.  It is a good thing I like being alone at home.  Just me and my kitty cat.  I still spend a lot of time on the back porch watching the alligators & birds in and around the pond.  This gives me hours of good prayer time.

The morhine has given me a much better quality of life.  I can get out in the flowerbed and play around.  I love my flowers and anything else I can grow by my front door.  Right now, I am growing datil peppers.  This is a staple for the Minorcan kitchen.  Although, heartburn is a bigger part of my life, now...I still can sneak in some datil pepper.  I think it is the chemo that gives me heartburn.

I have regrets and have made many mistakes.  Because, if I think it...I say it, and I have hurt feelings unnecesarily.  I have come across as crazy when I am really just very silly.  Sometimes it is caculated insanity to see how people accept me.  I have worried about how I look and bought clothes that did not make a bit of difference.  At the same time, I have not said "NO" enough.  I have followed bosses orders when I should have spoken up.  I am very naive and want to believe in people that aren't worth believing in.  

I still have even more joys in my life than regrets.  Nothing on this earth tops seeing an amazing adult in your child.  God has allowed me to be a part of a life that brings me joy every day.  If you have met my daughter you will see a lot of me in her.  She has taken my joy to a greater level. She is so much more loving, generous and inculsive than I am.  She loves, loves, loves to laugh.  She has the guts to speak her mind and can stand up for what it right.  She is a sponge and is eager to learn and meet new people.

Alone time will do this to you.  My mind is all over the place.  So, that means you will get my mixed up thoughts on this blog.  I never said I was a writer.

God Bless you!

Life Time Limit?

Yesterday was my 13 dose of chemo.  The issue is that my blood counts are not so great.  Although I get the growth factor shot every time, my blood counts are trending downward.  The options are to adjust the chemo.  I could take a reduction in drugs every 4 weeks or spread out the drugs to every 5 weeks.  The shocking news to me was that at some point my little body will not be able to take any more chemo.  It does permanent damage to my bone marrow and it will stop producing what I need.

Never fear there are alternatives.  I have some friends that are using a different path and they have shared the contact info of the doctor they are using.  I will investigate this and count it as a huge blessing.

Hell On Wheels!

When we travel through airports or hospitals I have to use a wheelchair.  This is because it hurts so much to walk much distance and I end up in tears by the time I get to where I am going.

The fun part is that my daughter is in charge of pushing me.  The best way I can describe her driving style is that she has a sense of entitlement.  She thinks that everyone should have an ADA compliant mindset and get the heck out of the way when they see a wheelchair.  When they don't get out of her way she has a sweet way of letting them know that they are in the way.  "oh! sorry, I did not mean to take out your achiles tendon with the foot rest" or "so sorry, this thing is hard to stop" or "thank you for moving (a bit sarcastically)".

We spend more time laughing about the damage we do with that wheelchair.  She gets a real kick out of it all when the wheel chair gets out of control and I am screeming.  I am not a passive passenger.  I pretend like I have a break peddle and a steering wheel.  It simply does not work that way, but I am driving with all of my heart and getting no where.

Hey! Dont judge me.  We have to get some insane joy out of the obstacles that we have to deal with.